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	SD! : Web boards : D/s News/Events : "Outside Influences?" 1 2 Outside Influences? (14) Wed 2 Apr 08, 1:50 AM Jimbo8250 US(WI), 2 yrs  Let me say first that this is my first post here, despite lurking for several years. The reason I haven't posted before was because of my living situation (either with my parents, or dependent on them) and a job where I needed to have a certain credibility. Because of how circumstances have changed recently, I no longer need to worry about that, and I am now only semi-dependent on my parents (because I have epilepsy, I cannot drive a car) for food and the like. Therefore it no longer bothers me what other people think (although I wasn't bothered by it before, the issue was I really couldn't afford the potentially negative reputation). My question is this: Have outside influences such as this affected anyone's life? In other words, have the expectations and requirements of life outside our subculture affected your relationship or ability to enter into a relationship such as one we would follow? As I see it, much as some may like it, those of us who choose this lifestyle cannot live in isolation from the outside world. No matter what we do, we must have some form of interaction. Some of us are conscious of how the outside world perceives us and others are not, I would like to know why those differences exist. 2 Apr 08, 2:32 AM shyfox 11 mths  Jimbo8250 wrote: Outside Influences? Let me say first that this is my first post here, despite lurking for several years. The reason I haven't posted before was because of my living situation (either with my parents, or dependent on them) and a job where I needed to have a certain credibility. Because of how circumstances have changed recently, I no longer need to worry about that, and I am now only semi-dependent on my parents (because I have epilepsy, I cannot drive a car) for food and the like. Therefore it no longer bothers me what other people think (although I wasn't bothered by it before, the issue was I really couldn't afford the potentially negative reputation). My question is this: Have outside influences such as this affected anyone's life? In other words, have the expectations and requirements of life outside our subculture affected your relationship or ability to enter into a relationship such as one we would follow? As I see it, much as some may like it, those of us who choose this lifestyle cannot live in isolation from the outside world. No matter what we do, we must have some form of interaction. Some of us are conscious of how the outside world perceives us and others are not, I would like to know why those differences exist. I'm ashamed to admit that they have affected my life for quite a while. I know my friends and family would never understand my choicesin a personal relationship. The fear of being ridiculed for this choice combined with the stress of trying to find a partner drove me away from m/s for years. I wasted those years trying to appear normal when I am clearly anything but. Speaking strictly, as someone who has been there and done that, I think it is the worst thing you can do. If this is truly in your blood then you will never succeed in setting it aside because it will just keep popping up in odd ways. If you are just starting off then the best thing you can have is a strong sense of self. If you are ashamed or hesitant your partner will pick up on it. You have to know that this is who you are and what you want and to hell what others think. I'm not saying you have to go FTW since you can keep your private life private without having to walk around with bondage gear attached. BTW: Some people are going to read your profile and try to give you shit about this post and being young. There are a lot of self proclaimed nanny bots lurking on this board. It would be a great way to practice your newfound sense of self by telling them to fuck off 2 Apr 08, 6:07 AM Outlaws_manxie 15 mths  Finding yourself as shyfox has stated is a good way to begin, you should know yourself before asking anyone to submit. But then taking time and learning is a good thing. There is never any rush into something that you devote the rest of your life to. Being in this lifestyle can be confusing and when rushing we lose ourselves and often don't think clearly what it is really about for us, but true once it is in your blood it is there to stay. Many have left it only to regret that decision and return to it later. However there is never necessity to flaunt this lifestyle to those in the outside world, but we can still keep about us what it is that is part of us. Be yourself and others should accept you as you are, though sometimes they think we are messed up and are messing with our lives in negative ways. We just should not go forcing those outside influences to join in our love for this form of relationship and self that we develop. So don't be afraid of being yourself, but respect those outside for the choices they make at the same time. manxie kitty at the end of the leash held by Master 2 Apr 08, 11:38 AM slave_emma US(OK), 2 yrs  Jimbo8250 wrote: My question is this: Have outside influences such as this affected anyone's life? In other words, have the expectations and requirements of life outside our subculture affected your relationship or ability to enter into a relationship such as one we would follow? I gave up on caring what people think a long time ago. I realized that I am never going to make everyone happy regardless of how I present myself. My Master is 30 years older than me, so there is some level of shock value with the outside world. I get mistaken for His daughter on a regular basis, which is something we are able to make light of. The important thing is not to get offended when a mistake is made, rather it is better to make a correction and move on. It is also generally a good idea not to flaunt living an alternative lifestyle. Nobody wants to know what my Master or I do in the bedroom. That is just too much information for general society. As far as the more important power exchange aspect, it is easiest just to state that we prefer to live a traditional life with a male head of household. I am lucky in the respect that, my parents accept my lifestyle choice and as long as I am happy they are happy. However, I do think they would draw the line if they thought my Master was abusive, but they like Him. Trying to hide from the desire to have this sort of lifestyle will probably lead to unhappiness over the long term. No one finds the perfect partner or partners over night. It can be a long process, so patience does pay off. My Master always says that it took Him 50 years to find the right wife. The internet is also fairly anonymous and probably won't affect your credibly. There are people who are active in local groups who have respectable jobs and even kids. My Master's big push with me is volunteer work, because it will generally build up your character and credibly in a positive way to the outside would. best wishes, slave emma Master Howard's little girl 2 Apr 08, 11:52 AM Mistress_Tiara UK, 23 mths  shyfox wrote: BTW: Some people are going to read your profile and try to give you shit about this post and being young. There are a lot of self proclaimed nanny bots lurking on this board. It would be a great way to practice your newfound sense of self by telling them to fuck off I doubt the OP would get such a response. People do not tend to denigrate people who are young but approach people politely with a willingness to learn and grow. People, Myself included, simply do not have a lot of respect for people who demand respect as though it is a right simply because they call themselves Master or Mistress, and assume they know eveything - we are all developing and growing after all. ~ *Mistress Tiara* 2 Apr 08, 12:57 PM Jimbo8250 US(WI), 2 yrs  Outlaws_manxie wrote: However there is never necessity to flaunt this lifestyle to those in the outside world, but we can still keep about us what it is that is part of us. Be yourself and others should accept you as you are, though sometimes they think we are messed up and are messing with our lives in negative ways. We just should not go forcing those outside influences to join in our love for this form of relationship and self that we develop. So don't be afraid of being yourself, but respect those outside for the choices they make at the same time. Well, it's not exactly flaunting it, but as I work in IT most of the people I deal with on a daily basis are internet-savvy, as well as most of the customers I deal with. Which is why I was talking about the reputation. Search engines are their friends. They could have found this fairly easily and might have been able to tie it back to me. I finally worked out that the people that would care wouldn't bother running a search for me as they already know most of the other places I post. Even though I've used this screen name elsewhere, only a small amount of people can tie it to me in real life. Also, I've been thinking about this for multiple years, so I'm pretty sure I've made the right decision. At the moment I'm more focused on learning as much as I can, which is why I started posting here slave_emma wrote: It is also generally a good idea not to flaunt living an alternative lifestyle. Nobody wants to know what my Master or I do in the bedroom. That is just too much information for general society. Nope, people don't need to know what goes on in my bedroom, I'm all for keeping that a secret. Even this board doesn't need all that information. However, as many of you have stated in the past, it's hard to hide all the clues and they may catch on. That's mostly what I was worried about. No matter what we do, we're going to have to deal with other people, and unless we're really good actors, someone is going to figure it out eventually. The outcome generally depends on what you do at that point. 2 Apr 08, 1:17 PM tangie US(MI), 5 yrs  Jimbo8250 wrote: ...However, as many of you have stated in the past, it's hard to hide all the clues and they may catch on. That's mostly what I was worried about. No matter what we do, we're going to have to deal with other people, and unless we're really good actors, someone is going to figure it out eventually. The outcome generally depends on what you do at that point. The way I live my own life is this: While I don't flaunt who and what I am, I am also not ashamed of it. I *do* have the luxury of not giving a damn what the neighbors or potential bosses think. And I do recognize that this *is* a luxury. I don't feel guilt. I have done nothing that I feel is wrong. I don't, then, understand why I need to seclude myself and be "careful" what I say or do. I am not naive, however it may sound. I do have a deep, personal understanding of what can happen when society refuses to understand. I was kicked out of 8th grade (in 1963) because of rumors I was pregnant. Only rumors. That is only the first time, the list goes on and actually endangered me in more serious ways. Why I am telling you this is that reputation is ephemeral. Once lost, it is nearly impossible to regain in the same social setting. It can be lost with or without truth behind the insinuations. If you put so much emphasis on rumor, you are also putting that aspect of life into the hands of other people. I refuse to give people that kind of control over me. If I'm going to be a happy person, that doesn't include having to watch my every move like I was a Pagan during the Spanish Inquisition. That being said, I still don't flaunt. I don't dare or challenge people over what I believe and feel. I have a policy that is more aligned to "I don't tell you about my life, you don't try to save my soul." Barbara ...For many roses have blossomed here in this garden, But no one has plucked the rose without the stab of a thorn. ~Hafiz of Shiraz 3 Apr 08, 3:38 AM dorothy US, 11 mths  tangie wrote: Jimbo8250 wrote: The way I live my own life is this: While I don't flaunt who and what I am, I am also not ashamed of it. Barbara I have not shared with anyone (outside the 'community') about our relationship dynamics. There are a lot of items in our relationship that Master is in 'charge' of, which the vanilla world would think is 'controlling'. Us being silent to the outside 'world' about our dynamics hasn't seemed to affect our relationship so far. I don't flaunt our relationship, but i am also not ashamed of our dynamics. It's what works for me, and luckily, what makes Master happy with me. I am still seeking much in how to please my Master. If my silence somehow was an issue in his Pleasure, I would have to be more out about us. That is, after all what life is all about -- His Pleasure. His property, His body, His mind. 3 Apr 08, 8:50 AM 566-120-966 UK, 2 yrs  Hi, i have trouble with outside influences all the time. A couple of years ago a major event occurred in my life and since then i felt that the people around me "pitied" me. i have tried to move forward and be vanilla just like them and am finding it very hard. i have a very submissive nature and would love to explore it more and just be "me" and not what others want me to be. Just normal day to day outside influences seem to stop me from making a commitment to myself, maybe its because i am to submissive?? i just dont know. i do want to explore my submissive side and take a look into slavery. There is Master who i have known online for a number of years that have been very straight, honest and patient with me. He has asked me countless times to visit him for a trial period and i feel its the outside influences holding me back, i wish i was strong enough to ignore them and be "me". martin 4 Apr 08, 1:23 PM Jimbo8250 US(WI), 2 yrs  566-120-966 wrote: Hi, i have trouble with outside influences all the time. A couple of years ago a major event occurred in my life and since then i felt that the people around me "pitied" me. i have tried to move forward and be vanilla just like them and am finding it very hard. i have a very submissive nature and would love to explore it more and just be "me" and not what others want me to be. Just normal day to day outside influences seem to stop me from making a commitment to myself, maybe its because i am to submissive?? i just dont know. i do want to explore my submissive side and take a look into slavery. There is Master who i have known online for a number of years that have been very straight, honest and patient with me. He has asked me countless times to visit him for a trial period and i feel its the outside influences holding me back, i wish i was strong enough to ignore them and be "me". martin I actually went through that for a while, so it's not necessarily your personality. It seems human nature to want to fit in with the crowd, which in this case would be the vanilla world. From my perspective, a lot of the people on these forums have decided, whether they are aware of it or not, that they just don't care what the outside world thinks anymore. Some of them would have to fake it for different reasons (for example, given where I live, I need to remain on good terms with my family, and they would HIGHLY disapprove). From my perspective, being submissive doesn't mean following everyone's orders. I think you should only follow the orders of those you have respect for, which the outside world probably hasn't earned. My point (which I seem to have been quite wordy explaining) is that you have to decide for yourself if you would rather follow the advice and desires of others or try something that might make you a good deal happier. Always be honest with yourself and ask "Is this really the way I want to live the rest of my life?" If you cannot answer yes to that, the next question is "Is there something I can do that might make my life more enjoyable?" If you're rolling over for the outside world, then I doubt that you're actually enjoying things, but that's just my perspective. 25 Sep 08, 9:44 PM Miss_Becky 4 mths  The more comfortable living a D/s lifestyle becomes to me, the more I find myself put off by what is mainstream and considered to be "normal" (I was going to say angry, but it isn't that strong an emmotion... annoyed, perhaps?). I was never one to judge others... I call myself an open-minded person with ease... but I have always had a deep frustration with those who can't or aren't willing to look or think "outside the box". The big target years ago (and in some instances still is) were homosexuals. People were aghast to think that gays/ lesbians lived such a "devious" lifestyle... it has now become more accepted (if not accepted, maybe ignored? or isn't as big of a concern because it has been around and in the public eye for awhile... and people seem to be getting a bit "bored" with gaybashing). Now that this avenue for do-gooders has nearly dried up as a well of inspiration, they need to move on to other alternative lifestyles. I think what frustrates me more than anything is that so many people live outside, in a Vanilla world, but go home to their private spheres and do the things that they protest against in mainstream society. Worrying about what other "normal" people will think has always been such a stumbling block for the growth of an open-minded, accepting society. I feel that the only way people will get "used" to D/s or M/s is if we open up to the community more... of course the lifestyle would get bashed and publicised and do-gooders would try to take bad-dooers to task... but I think that eventually that too would run its course as the general public begins to learn how many people actually have an interest and participate in the lifestyle. I personally don't feel it's so alternative as more and more people are exploring relationships and situations they would otherwise have not (from the comfort of their own homes, in front of their private computers, of course). My submissive husband enjoys being dressed in women's knickers and suspenders... he even has black, patent leather stilleto ankle boots that he wears (in the bedroom). I have tried to coax him out of his comfort zone for a night on the town (I suggested going to a town far away from the one in which we live, since it is a smaller, more closed-minded, extremely religious place)... but he has declined, although I know, secretly, he wants to and would enjoy it due to his kinky nature. As his dominant, for now I will respect his fears and try not to push him too far too fast for fear of endangering anything I have already accomplished with him, but one night we will get dressed up and go out... I do agree that what goes on in the bedroom should generally stay in the bedroom... but I don't want to feel ashamed of the things my husband and I do because they aren't considered "normal". I'm a certainly less worried about my reputation than is my husband. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that this is is the town in which he grew up, and he's nearly 20 years older than me (from an entirely different generation, subjected to more religion and more "brainwashing" due to his past experiences). I don't think I would have a problem if people knew I was a Dominant... the only problem, then, would be young boys and old perverts just looking for a "good time" because of their misinterpretations or misconceptions about what it actually means to be a Dominant in a D/s relationship. We "joke" about our D/s dynamic with friends... I'll tell my husband after a day of being out, if he has been particularly cheeky, that I'm going to take him home and spank him. His male friends get a great laugh out of this and my husband will go "ooh, not too hard I hope, pet"... this is our "secret" way of communicating to one another in public... I don't think others have caught on, yet... The strongest and most effective force in guaranteeing the long-term maintenance of power is not violence in all the forms deployed by the dominant to control the dominated, but consent in all the forms in which the dominated acquiesce in their own domination. Next page