This page sponsored by JT's Stockroom    [other banners]

	SD! : Web boards : IE Theory : "Anger - reactance or resentment?" 1 2 Anger - reactance or resentment? (15) Thu 17 Apr 08, 10:00 AM anjuli UK, 18 mths I apologise in advance for the personal topic rather than a true discussion but I have a question about a relationship situation and how to handle it/myself and help my Master into the bargain. Lemme know if it's thought too self-indulgent and I should 'take it to a blog' or something and I'll disappear it. but advice from those in a similar situation of real life 24/7 M/s would be so appreciated. Okay so here's the background: We've had a lot of upheaval and moved house to another part of the country and, the biggest change of all, he's now going out to work instead of working from home. It's all good news - brilliant new job, money, prospects, security, exit strategy and all that. But this is also the first time we have been apart since Nov 2006 and I am struggling badly. What I mean is that I know that this is a sacrifice worth making and one that he is making for our future security... BUT... I feel like I'm drifting, losing the contact with him and it's affecting our dynamic. I feel 'separate' and can't seem to access the submissive thoughts and feelings - let alone the slave-like ones. I think that having to be more independent, deal with the stress of moving, all that stuff, has kind of knocked it out of me and triggered old patterns of behaviour, a lack of submissiveness, defiance, almost, and anger. I am actually angry with him and it's seeping out all the time. At first I thought it was just resentment about being alone all day and alone with how I was feeling. I wonder if I am covering feeling sad and lonely and lost with no feeling at all and then the anger breaks through? But then again, could this be reactance - the 'freedom' lost being that access to my Master 24 hours a day? Either way I hate how I am behaving, I hate that I'm being horrible to him, I hate that I don't FEEL right. Do I try to push through by doing things I don't feel submissive about until I do again? Don't get the wrong idea, he's fully aware, fully informed and we're talking about it all the time but time is limited now (Arrrgh! There's the rub, eh?) and it seems like, he comes home, we eat, deal with any bits of life we need to, talk for five minutes and we're off to bed and he's gone for another 10 hours again! I know many of you think this is a normal pattern of life and perhaps you have even less time with your master/owner... perhaps it might seem self-indulgent to complain so I apologise now but it's new for me and nothing I have tried yet has worked. I think on top of a long period of illness and recovery which some of you will be aware of, I am just feeling a long way from where I should be. Any ideas? Any suggestions? I'd love to hear from both slaves and Masters in similar dynamics to our own if you feel you can help. Thanks again. anjuli PS. You have no idea how long it took me to actually post this damn thing! I don't know whether it's because I'm afraid of its reception or actually part of the whole 'not wanting to step back in role' thing! Go easy on me today, will ya? Edited to clarify that Master no longer works from home. ~~~ “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” - Anais Nin ~~~ Edited Thu 17 Apr 08, 3:53 PM by anjuli 17 Apr 08, 10:53 AM bernie 11 mths i think its reactance. For so long He has been there, next to you for long periods of time, with His strength and His control. However, i feel that because you cant see Him, and reach out to touch Him, all the security you have built up between Y/you both over the time you believe it is no longer there. My suggestion for you is, instead of fighting it, worrying about it and talking about it with Him all the time, Relax. Sit back, close your eyes and think of Him. Spiritually you are still close together, but i feel that due to the fact you have been at His side so long you have never had reason to notice this and feel Him this way. He is with you all the time. Calm yourself, do things you know will please Him, await His arrival with excitement, then spend those precious 10mins or so at His feet listening to Him, talking to Him, loving Him....dont waste it telling Him how alone and angry you feel. Then when you go to bed and He pulls you into His arms sleep peacefully knowing that you are His and equally adores you as you do Him. my Master is back in the war zone, yes i panic and worry, but then i 'feel' Him. At this moment in time, i would love to have 10mins a day looking up at Him then curling up but, it isnt to be, so what i do is make His life as easy as i can whether it is, letters, phone calls, or the much needed parcels of home comforts. Just remember, its not forever its a short term issue that will eventually take you to your long term goal which is to be back together again...find His strength and use it. Edited 17 Apr 08, 10:56 AM by bernie 17 Apr 08, 12:06 PM Mistress_Tiara UK, 2 yrs Oh Im sorry to hear youre feeling so unsettled anjuli. At least part of it may be the inevitable upheaval of moving, and trying to settle into a new area. I felt completely displaced when I moved recently, a) from the move itself and b) form being somewhere new and completely different to where I had lived so long. I had chosen this action but it still unsettled Me. So at least some of this may simply be that. Being separate from your Owner must be very strange after being together all the time too. I imagine that when you are being independendt all day it must now feel very hard to keep hold of your former feelings of being owned. Maybe you could ask your Owner to set you some firmer paramenters for the times he is absent to give you something to work towards - I would suggest that maybe he could give you projects to complete that are useful things that will enhance his wellbeing, and that of you as a unit. Ie maybe there are skills he would like you to learn, or you could make sure all the weekly chores are completed in his working hours so that at the weekend you can fully enjoy your time together. He could even set you tasks to arrange things for his free time to make it even better for you both. I have been at home all the time since I met My boy. I had formerly worked long hours teaching and writing, and My career had been a very big part of My life. We met when I had a young baby and was not working so I could be at home with her. As the time for her to start school is starting to approach and Im thinking of returning to work, I know he feels very odd about the prospect. he often says it will seem very strange when Im at work as our dynamic was founded as we are now. I hope we find the transition ok when the time comes. Im certainly not going back to working the hours I used to, I now look back and think, 'What the hell was I doing'?! I hope we reach a happy compromise, and I hope your Owner and you do too. Best of luck! ~ *Mistress Tiara* 17 Apr 08, 3:23 PM jakesemma US(WA), 15 mths Y! My owner works long hours, and when he works 12-16 hours, for 4-5 days in a row, and I barely get to see or talk to him.. I do start taking it out on him, not intentionally. I feel bad, I know I miss him, I do my best to keep my mouth shut so he doesn't feel bad that I am missing him (he knows, there's no point in rubbing it in.) I start to distance myself, emotionally from him when I go long periods of time with out talking to him, even though I see him in the evenings for a couple hours... the more he works, the less he can talk to me or see me, the more I struggle to shut off my emotions and back away so I don't feel so sad, lonely, and so I don't take it out on him, then, he has to undo the walls I put up and help me get back to a safe, happy, good place with ihm again, its a constant merry go round.... I think it is normal, until he retires, we have to work around his work schedule, that is just the way it is going to have to be. I knew that going into our marriage, that he had long hours. It does not make it any easier, and anjuli, this doesn't belong on a blog, thats what the forums are for in my opinion, support, questions, friendship... You have enough people here who can relate to you, I don't see why you'd be afraid to post, well fraknly if anyone has a problem with your post they can stuff a sock in it.... I'd offer you a hug but im very very far away from you, so you will have to settle for the warm fuzzies of knowing i'd offer you a hug if I was near you.... It won't get "better" until you are with him full time again, but as time goes on, you can learn how to control the emotions better... its fear, panic, irrational emotions, sad, maybe even depression a little.... you don't have your partner there... when you go from having someone constantly there, to not being able to speak to them for long periods of time, its hard... My Master has times were his work is really slow so we spend a LOT of time together, then his work picks back up and I only see him a few hours a week... because he's either working or sleeping... I think, that blogging to him, writing him daily emails, anything that help you feel more connected to him, will make it easier, even if you have to rant or vent, in a private journal about what your feeling, it is better to get it out... but with that said, balance, find a way to remind yourself to stay positive, that there are better times ahead, and while it is hard NOW, the end result will be worth the wait. Maybe meditation, or yoga, or something spiritual, will help you find a center or refocus your negative energy, find a way to keep yourself busy while you wait. Regards, slave emma Edited 17 Apr 08, 3:25 PM by jakesemma 17 Apr 08, 4:19 PM anjuli UK, 18 mths Thank you everybody! I just wanted to say that this has been really helpful, both here and the memos I've received. I think it helps to have confirmation that I'm not alone, or especially horrible or sad, or a terrible slave, or whatever, to be having these feelings and this reaction. A lot of what people have said has given me ideas of things to do or discuss with Master as to what we can do together to help me cope and get past this behaviour. All of you have helped with either suggestions or things that you do that help. I am really not good at journalling and I don't have a blog but perhaps I should look at that again, emma. We are talking about just what Mistress Tiara suggested in having projects to do and also b's memo discussion of control and expectation in his absence. Last but far from least, I am once more reminded that all my problems stem from this bloody self-centred knee-jerk reaction that I have whereas thinking of him, and being what he wants, actually helps me if only I could see it! (I hear Raven's voice - or what I imagine to be Raven's voice <laughs> It's not about me... it's not about me... it's not about me... Darn well haunts me this one!) I so don't want to spoil those moments I do have with him, and when he comes home and all we both want is for me to be happy and peaceful and loving and welcoming - so thank you bernie for your lovely words on that. I am resolved to try an awful lot harder! Thanks for the support all. If I haven't replied by memo yet I shall because I really appreciate it. anjuli ps. I shall send anyone who doesn't like my thread to emma to have socks inserted <grins> You've been warned! She's pretty creative and not a little sadistic you know - sub or no sub - there's no telling where those socks will end up! And thanks for the e-hugs too em. I wasn't exactly afraid - a little apprehensive about sharing something more personal rather than discussing something a little more theoretical I guess but ya'all have been lovely. ~~~ “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” - Anais Nin ~~~ 17 Apr 08, 4:29 PM 890-876-591 UK, 16 mths Y! Hey, i'm not exactly in the same situation, Sir is at home almost constantly at the minute, but He wasn't when we first started out and i know He won't be soon enough (too damn soon!) He's going to be away all summer and i've been worrying about what i should do while He's away to limit the amount of backward 'progress' (can't think of a better way of putting it) until He gets back - the work He's put in was hard enough first time round, i don't want Him to have to do it again! I don't really have much to add, just an agreement with the statements previously given that this is a perfectly reasonable post and what i would expect Tanos intended when He started the board. i can vouch for the concept of blogging, i never used to do it, but started on someone's advice from on here, and it really helped me. Since then things have been crazy and i've stopped. i've noticed that i do get more frustrated now, so i should start again. Of course, another advantage of keeping a blog is that you'll be able to look back at the things you've written and see how much better you're doing than when you started, which will encourage you when things pile up on you. E-hugs if you want them, feel free to memo me if you like His girl 17 Apr 08, 5:55 PM jakesemma US(WA), 15 mths Y! anjuli wrote: Thank you everybody! I just wanted to say that this has been really helpful, both here and the memos I've received. I think it helps to have confirmation that I'm not alone, or especially horrible or sad, or a terrible slave, or whatever, to be having these feelings and this reaction. A lot of what people have said has given me ideas of things to do or discuss with Master as to what we can do together to help me cope and get past this behaviour. All of you have helped with either suggestions or things that you do that help. I am really not good at journalling and I don't have a blog but perhaps I should look at that again, emma. We are talking about just what Mistress Tiara suggested in having projects to do and also b's memo discussion of control and expectation in his absence. Last but far from least, I am once more reminded that all my problems stem from this bloody self-centred knee-jerk reaction that I have whereas thinking of him, and being what he wants, actually helps me if only I could see it! (I hear Raven's voice - or what I imagine to be Raven's voice <laughs> It's not about me... it's not about me... it's not about me... Darn well haunts me this one!) I so don't want to spoil those moments I do have with him, and when he comes home and all we both want is for me to be happy and peaceful and loving and welcoming - so thank you bernie for your lovely words on that. I am resolved to try an awful lot harder! Thanks for the support all. If I haven't replied by memo yet I shall because I really appreciate it. anjuli ps. I shall send anyone who doesn't like my thread to emma to have socks inserted <grins> You've been warned! She's pretty creative and not a little sadistic you know - sub or no sub - there's no telling where those socks will end up! And thanks for the e-hugs too em. I wasn't exactly afraid - a little apprehensive about sharing something more personal rather than discussing something a little more theoretical I guess but ya'all have been lovely. *looks apologetic... or at least tries* I was feeling fiesty this morning, this is something I am dealing with currently, trying to find a way to cope with his long business hours and missing him horribly... so it hit a personal nerve as well LOL I had considered posting something along these lines too, but honestly, i'd give myself the same advice I gave you.. and you know what, It doesn't work for me haha, I can't keep myself motivated enough without him to help remind me to do it, thats part of why I rely on him so heavily, it just takes a look, or a word, and I go off to do it, if he's not here, I get depressed and lose motivation, because he "is" my reason for staying motivated... I know its probably bad, to not be able to function as well on my own, I can do it, but not as well and not as happily. I like knowing he's there to kick my (theoretical) behind if I start slacking.... Even if its just seeing his disappointment about my forgetfulness on something... I make sure I get it done asap, so he won't continue to be disappointed in me.... but when he's not here, to notice, to praise me, to reap the rewards from the effort I put forth for him, I start feeling like "why bother, he's not here to enjoy it..." And it goes down hill from there in a vicious circle... i've recently been dreaming about his putting a mark on me, a visual mark, that doesn't require me to stand in front of the mirror to see it (like my collar.) but like a tattoo on my inner thigh, or something, that has meaning for him, that he places on my body, for me to look at when he's not here, so I can find comfort and solace in the mark... My collar is for sure a security blanket to me in some ways, but I can't "see" it unles I go stand in front of a mirror, and I can't really justify standing in front of a mirror for a few hours a day just to make myself feel better.... Edited 17 Apr 08, 5:57 PM by jakesemma 17 Apr 08, 6:37 PM Rogers_Deb0rah UK, 7 yrs Anybody in your situation would feel the same and you can label it how you like and look it up, but as its an emotion, the issue is how to control it, deal with it and move on. My first answer is together but as you clearly talk, this is more about how to then who should. Start with small steps and take a small piece of time at a time! Be successful at something before you try coping for a week or a day. Coping strategies need success. I have been doing some research on coping strategies recently and it is a fascinating subject. Active coping strategies are either behavioural or psychological forms of response. They are designed to change the nature of the subject/reason for the stress or how the person thinks about it. You also have something that I feel is relevant here, the avoidance as such of coping strategies which leads the person into negative states or activities, shown through behavioural changes such as withdrawal and anger. The anger is such that it actually becomes detrimental in promoting a productive coping strategy. We then react in a passive aggressive manner which in itself defeats a way forward. See if any of this hits a resonant chord as it is amazing how many people are actually unconscious of the blocks they create and build and see themselves as a victim without realising. This isn't a personal attack as such, but might be something that resonates as you feel dis-empowered as such and ideally it is "his" fault as he took the job and is doing the leaving? Could that be true even remotely? It classically shows as a person presenting the following patterns: tries to please and fails, aggression comes out in indirect ways and often feels pressure to perform while experiencing fear of failure often leading to procrastination? You end up with 4 basic patterns: The victim, the defiant, the compliant and the insecure. They can all show themselves at any time as well. The common thought is:I can't do it but underneath that pattern you actually have the reasons that occurs:I will fail in order to preserve my autonomy as I need to stay safe. You may also go through the basic fact that you see yourself as cooperative and it is the others around you, the dominant in this case that is to blame, making you a comfortable victim. It is the most basic of power struggles ironically! The ways to handle it are also simple though:To drop any judgement, reactive anger to them and be accepting of who they are, don't expect too much and put them in situations where they need to follow orders or please others. Again though, small steps at a time. If you see any of these characteristics as what you are going through, it is completely a form of reactance over something that is beyond your control and his, yet as he is the one working and not worrying as much (visibly) then he also takes the blame by you getting angry at him. Ok, so once anyone accepts that this is the pattern the healing takes time and smaller steps. Often if you expect less, most slave like personalities experiencing this passive aggression will almost want to do better than expected. Tiny differences, if he is on his way home, an expectant text that states how you will greet him and how you will behave. Start small and work up again as your relationship has gone through a fundamental change and as it is organic and a living thing you both need time to adjust and to find ways that work within this new lease of life it is starting. Look for the small things that are positive and be successful at them while creating strategies and a support network around you. Slowly you will again find things that work and it will become an exciting time or renewal and success and will enable you to become what you want all over again. Don't make the generic female demand of "but right now" let it ruin it for you. God, hope that wasn't too long or patronising and that you can see something however small in this post!! Get in touch any time. Debs xx "Woman in her greatest perfection was made to serve and obey man." John Knox Edited 17 Apr 08, 11:01 PM by Rogers_Deb0rah 18 Apr 08, 12:00 AM Lord_Laraby US(NY), 3 yrs Y! anjuli wrote: I apologise in advance for the personal topic rather than a true discussion but I have a question about a relationship situation and how to handle it/myself and help my Master into the bargain. Well, it has to do with psychological topics, such as reactance. But, as it has more to specifically with your relationship, my choice would have been to post it in the relationships board. But, it is where it is. anjuli wrote: Lemme know if it's thought too self-indulgent and I should 'take it to a blog' or something and I'll disappear it. but advice from those in a similar situation of real life 24/7 M/s would be so appreciated. It's no more sulf-indulgent than 80% of the other posts we see on these boards, so is, in my mind perfectly at home here in these forums. And I am happy to see you have gotten several supportive posts already to your dilemma. I ordinarily work outside the home and am gone for 10 hours a day. However, since I am now in between opportunities, I am at home almost 24 a day. The funny thing is, my slave has changed her feelings a bit with my being home. She, oddly enough, found it easier to obey all my rules and follow my schedule for her and feel more accomplished and servile when I was outside the home. Now, with me at home, she has found it more difficult to do so. It's as if my presence here has shifted her focus from her chores and expectations, to being at my feet and at my bec and call and following me around like a lost puppy. I try to explain to her that I do not need or want her to be right there all the time and to behave as though everything were as usual. She just has trouble getting into that mindset. It would be interesting to perhaps get a thread going on this side of it. But, I believe it's not worth it to retrain her since I will be back to status-quo soon. So, for the time being, I am micro-managing her in reverse. LOL Hope this reply isn't too far off topic. I did not mean to derail this thread at all. Lord Laraby (owner of chained_angel et al) 18 Apr 08, 4:21 AM 702-688-374 US, 2 yrs anjuli wrote: Anger - reactance or resentment?... Hi anjuli, you ask a interesting question which has yielded good responses. My two cents? I'm pretty sure one of the reasons I thrive in this kind of relationship is the craving for structure and order -- maybe it's a Virgo thing. Or, chaos is just plain ucky to me. When in the world by myself I could control & manage very well living according to my own structure and order. But to give that control to someone I love and trust so much is like a getting a double blessing...getting what I need from the person I love on a daily basis. We're all creatures of habit, especially those of us who crave order. Some habits get so ingrained in us it's like cutting off an arm if we have to change something for even a day...if you ALWAYS drink your coffee with cream & sugar do you drink it at all if you're out of cream & sugar on one particular day? Probably not. I'm thinking probably all submissives kinda must have that craving for structure and order and then it become our habitual life. Your changes have messed with your structure and habits and you're feeling it. It'll take a while to get to where it feels normal or it will actually get back to normal. In the meantime, I'm thinking it's perfectly natural to balk at change. We all do. Probably there's no harm as long as you realize what is causing it. I've heard say...recognizing a problem is the first step in solving it. I'd say you're half way there. Good luck. 18 Apr 08, 6:46 AM slave_emma US(OK), 2 yrs Any change in routine will take some getting used to. Your time was probably fairly occupied with your Master being home all day and now there is nothing to do. My Master will give me tasks to complete each day, before He arrives home from work. Since you're in a new area you could be feeling a little bit isolated. Perhaps doing some networking and building friendships in your new area may help. One way to do this is through volunteer work. Dealing with illness can take its toll on the relationship. I have been ill and out of work for the better part of a month now. More than anything I want to feel better, but I will have to wait until it is my time. With being ill I have found an endless amount of time on my hands and an inability to do anything constructive. This caused me to feel a lot of irritation and helplessness. So I try my best to keep a positive attitude. Studies have shown that someone with a pessimistic attitude will take longer to recover, than someone with an optimistic attitude. You can read more about that here. http://www.apa.org/journals/releases/hea244413.p... best wishes, slave emma Master Howard's little girl Next page