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	SD! : Web boards : Practical IE : "Being open in enslavement... a spin-off thread" Being open in enslavement... a spin-off thread (3) Sun 1 Jun 08, 7:45 AM anjuli UK, 18 mths As mentioned on this thread here... http://www.seekdiscipline.com/boards/ie_theory/1... ... this issue was kind of lost in the discussion that had taken hold there. I know it's been a while since she posted but it seemed like something the OP genuinely needed help with so I've taken the liberty (again) of dragging it across to a new thread of its own. Hope that's okay! 520-621-669 wrote: Being open is extrememly hard for me. I fear that I will be misunderstood and judged. This adding to fear that Master will be displeased or worse, will no longer want this slave. This is an ongoing challenge and I am struggling with it. I will I could just rattle of whatever is in my head......occasionally I am able to do this while writing for Master. Master might be amused if I were able to just let go with the silly stuff, but I struggle with the important information. I get so lost in my own head that I find it impossible to verbalize ANY information. I battle insecurity and fears that come and go like the tide. Master is so very patient and understanding. I frustrate him a great deal, and that hurts me deeply. Master has told me I can come to him with anything (that is powerful medicine). I have no reason to fear Master. He is calm and rational and wise. Though he often tells me that he is NOT a mind reader, somehow very often he "just knows". That is a bit scarey but comforting at the same time. I can only assume that it is natural to gain some ground and then loose some back or retreat a while. Learning, healing, and recovery. I guess it is a slow process, but the reward will be worth the effort. Master can ask me the simplest question..and I freeze and cannot form words at all. Then I become angry and upset with myself and shut down even more. I am so afraid of what Master may think of the answer. Is it the correct answer? Will it be disappointing to Master? What does Master wish to hear?? I want to please Master so badly...I want to give the "right" answer. I am working on this as well, Master wants MY answer from me. I just cant seem to get this through my head or past the fear of "exposing myself". I guess there are some things that can't be "fixed" overnight. Growth and improvement has been made, there is such a long way to go. I am so afraid that I will displease Master or anger him (RIGHT now I can see this is irrational, but 5 minutes the shadows may grip me again). One problem I have is that my brain runs around and jumps so fast that I cant actually process when things are happening. By time Master asks me what I am thinking I have had 6 more thoughts and cant remember ANY of them.....he ends up waiting and getting the "blank stare/open mouth/glazed over eyes" as I try to ponder what and how to answer. Any advice on what I am to do or what could help me communicate more effecitively with Master? (I do journal and blog as able and send emails so that does help some....but our face to face time is precious and I get overwhelmed feeling I have too much to talk about. AND not wanting to waste his time with my jumbled rambles when he has more important things to do or address, or more fun lol). YEP ADD sucks in my book. I also have this horrible issue with spacing out when conversations turns painful (brining up past issues). It is Master's right to know and this slave is required to be completely open. Master is to have total access to this slave's head and thoughts...even the "bad places". Master has worked very hard and put much effort into his slave. I guess looking back...Master has brought this slave a long way. I just want to be the best slave I possibly can for Master. He deserves the best. It is comforting to know that others have fast and flighty thoughts also. I have many moments deep in thought. Sometimes I sit back and laugh and wonder...just where the hell did THAT come from! Does anyone have and advice or tips on how to get over "lock-jaw"? This is what Master and I call it when I clam up and shut down. The words are there, I just cant say them! (TEARS at this point) I hate frustrating Master and I feel I am hurting him and disappointing him. Master always knows just what to say in any situation. Unless I am MAD my thoughts just stay stuck and tucked away inside. (When MAD everything comes out..but NOT in a good way VBG). Sometimes I am so afraid that I am pulling away or pushing Master away. Master seems to recognize this and stands fast. This slave is blessed to be owned by such a Master. Please forgive this slave for the near endless ramble. When thoughts come and I am able to spit them out...sometimes I cant stop LOL. Hope everyone has a safe weekend!!! I'm going to give the matter some thought before replying myself but I hope the OP gets some feedback here because I think it's not uncommon and a lot of people will benefit from ideas or discussion, I am sure. anjuli ~~~ “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” - Anais Nin ~~~ 1 Jun 08, 3:54 PM jakesemma US(WA), 15 mths Y! I do the exact same in your situation, so I will tell you what has worked for me.... Master has slowly asked me questions randomly, simple, non threatning questions over a period of time. (we've been married over 2 years.. so even if he just randomly asks me a couple non threatening questions a little everyday and im expected to answer.. this will help you get in a habit.) Second.. Yes or No questions make it much easier to respond... its as simple as.. nodding or shaking your head... that makes things seem less scary too... Yes or No questions aren't as difficult to answer. As for spacing out to a bad place... well.. Master slaps my arms and refuses to allow me to slip into my own head.. it usually turns into a take down scene... and the pain keeps me "here".. and by the time its over all that fear, stress, pain has been released and I am drained and empty and can usually talk about whatever it was that triggered me.... http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/pfiow.html <--- I would check the website I linked... this is really informative and I really think it helped me understand some of what I do with my Owner. The other thing is.. I write him a daily email.. it took me 8-9 months of daily morning emails about the day before... before I started actually putting honest information in them... not just pointless ramblings... but really expressing my thoughts and feelings the way he wanted... it took me time.. even though I trusted and loved him.. it took me alot longer to break down the walls and really put myself out there... he's never let me down yet. It takes time... baby steps... Age play is a good way to talk about it... I do this naturally sometimes when I get scared, I regress to a young age where nothing matters and ill ramble and babble at him... ill ask him to play games with me and he can ask me anything and i won't hesitate to answer... (its sort of embarassing for me to admit this.. but oh well.. My trigger word is usually "Can I have gum".) Master won't let me go inside my own head anymore.. he used to allow it... but I could stay shut down like that for hours... even days... and he no longer tolerates it and doesn't think its appropriate.. so he just plain doesn't allow me to shut down like that anymore.. he's put me in a situation where I *have* to talk to him whether I want to or not.. and he keeps me present and pushes and pushes untill I snap and break and let it all out.... He doesn't care if I lash out at him and tell him I hate him, or if I cry... because he knows its not him im really hating or him that really made me cry... he knows its something else inside thats hurting me... and he wants to help me let it out so I can face it and deal with it.... Its not as simple as just "ideas" to resolve these issues... its really a long term project. You have to consent to things that might make you "feel" traumatized while its happening.. (i.e. like take down situatiosn or whatever.) where you feel rage, and hate him... but will allow you to break down and open up either during or afterwards... its a lot of trial and error... but you also have to know there's a fine line between traumatic and helping in this situation... At first, I used to feel a little traumatized after and would be angry at him for a couple days.. because he'd push me until i'd talk and a part of me hated him for it... but another part of me knew it was nessecary... and he deserved to know. so, realize it might totally fuck with your head and be prepared to have a lot of "self" chats and remind yourself that short term pain is long term gain. (I am a pretty happy, optimistic person so feeling angry or sad, or whatever "negative" emotion like this totally freaks me out and makes me feel scared and abnromal because its not who or what I normally am/feel.) 1 Jun 08, 6:48 PM 842-117-802 CA, 9 mths My response from the other thread: 842-117-802 wrote: Does anyone have and advice or tips on how to get over "lock-jaw"? This is what Master and I call it when I clam up and shut down. The words are there, I just cant say them! (TEARS at this point) I hate frustrating Master and I feel I am hurting him and disappointing him. Master always knows just what to say in any situation. Unless I am MAD my thoughts just stay stuck and tucked away inside. (When MAD everything comes out..but NOT in a good way VBG). Sometimes I am so afraid that I am pulling away or pushing Master away. Master seems to recognize this and stands fast. This slave is blessed to be owned by such a Master. I'm not sure if it's the same thing, but I shut down when I'm scared/hurt/upset/stressed/etc. in such a way that I can't communicate effectively. I cannot speak. I can grunt and gesture, but speaking becomes impossible. Some things that have worked in other relationships (dunno if it will come up here) is either making pictures (I used photoshop and stock photos I got off of deviantart) or using fingerspelling from sign language. For some reason, fingerspelling seems to be included in gestures when my brain locks down like that, so I can communicate fairly effectively. Maybe something like that would work for you? Maybe even just making a "mix CD" or playlist of songs that fit what you're trying to get across so your Master can ask questions? I know that becoming open with anyone can be a challenge for me, as I fear people. I don't know how to get over this fear. Property and pet of Master_Latrans 2 Jun 08, 5:31 PM masterfiremaam US(AZ), 2 yrs Is it that she can't speak what she wants or that she simply can't get her mouth going physically? It might be helpful to simply say her ABCs just to get into the mode of moving her mouth and talking...then move into something more coherent. The one thing you DO want to do is to talk through the tears. Crying is a release of emotion...and is often looked down upon in our society. It's not a bad thing...and should be treated like any other emotion. Master Fire ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oh Hai! Blessinz of teh Ceiling Cat be apwn yu, srsly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~