| i thought that i had lost the most precious thing that had ever come into my life, my Internal Enslavement. It had come so naturally to me and made me realise that my life had meaning and that I was the special person that I had always thought that I was. As His slave, i became fulfilled and happy for the first time.
Almost from the moment i was formally collared though, my IE became quiet and elusive, only awakening at the deepest moments of service. The moments when He stoked my hair while I kneeled beside Him, when He spoke of how i belonged only to Him and would never be released etc. So i knew it was still there, somewhere but lost to me and it appeared that it was lost to Him. This caused us both such sorrow.
To me living without being enslaved to Him would not be living as the authentic me. But i just could not call to my enslaved heart, it simply would not answer me. i felt fake and so unhappy, still serving but not feeling as i should about it.
Despite this, we soldiered on, more vanilla than anything on the surface. Working, living, raising the kids, living life as you do. Both of us deeply longing for what once was. Me outwardly serving Him with a happy and contented heart.
i knew that my commitment was as strong as ever and that my vision of myself was the same as His desires for what He wants me to be. The best me, the most graceful, the most peaceful. The best slave i could possibly be. Pleasing Him each moment of everyday and seeing that i am doing so by the look on His face.
Of course, He could not know if the slave He treasured so would ever return, but i knew, deep inside I knew. And He believed in me despite all the evidence to the contrary in front of Him. i just could not understand what was wrong with me, why i felt so unsafe and insecure all the time.
My frustration at my failure to serve as I have wished to has exhibited itself in so many ways, I gained weight, felt horrible and ugly and just so angry. At me, at life, at everything.
Despite all of this, the man who Owns me continued to invest in me. Day after day, no matter how often i disappointed Him.
It really does not matter to Him how fat i am or how i forget things or if I am ill and my service is poor or if the words Master and Sir don't tumble from my lips freely. What did and always has mattered to Him was that i wanted to serve Him, needed to serve Him, that my only desire in life was to please Him. That never wavered in me. Deep inside i knew it was still there somewhere.
But i just could not settle into my life as His slave.
Collaring me meant the world to Him. That was the ultimate commitment to Him. But to me, being a devout Christian and having a belief that once married, we are joined for life, marriage meant everything and it was my deepest desire to become His wife.
There were times when the things that we do to express our love and my service, just felt a bit “wrong” because we weren't married. Even though I knew that these were inaccurate feelings that had been ingrained in me as a little girl growing up in the Deep South, i could not overcome them.
i have never been loved and accepted for who i really am. i was always made to feel that i was kinky and dirty because of how want to express my devotion to the man i am dedicated to. My Owner always told me from the very first, to let myself go and to be the “slut” (not sure that word is correct but it was the one He used) i have always wanted to be.
That night was two years ago exactly today. The first night He claimed me as His own.
Last week my Owner married me and made me His wife. Today, on the anniversary of when we first came to know what a real M/s relationship could look like, my IE is as deep as it ever was in the beginning and growing deeper each day.
On my wedding night, my IE returned to me in such an overwhelming way that I was shocked. As His wife, i will be the best slave I could have ever hoped to be. i have never been more at peace, more content or more devoted to my service to Him.
i cannot explain the M/s relationship or how IE works. i just know it is a marathon and not a sprint.
To anyone out there that is struggling as i have, if you are sure that you have chosen the right Master for you, then keep going, and just when you think you don't have it in you to serve Him, serve harder. Just when you think love and devotion has nothing to do with, love harder and devote yourself more deeply.
The answer is in your heart.
Internal Enslavement is real and powerful, too powerful to ignore even when it is quiet. i am not a slave. i am slave.
My Owner knew just what to do to bring His slave home to Him. That last bit of me that was broken, He healed. His dedication to making sure His property was well and happy overcame His lack of desire to remarry. my trust in Him is now total and complete. Never has an Owner worked so hard to care for His property.
For people who think we are dysfunctional because of the way we live, i am proof positive that this lifestyle, correctly done can be the most healing of relationships.
My Owner, my Master, my Husband has made me whole, happy and content for the first time in my 46 years of living.
Thank you Sir.
With much love and gratitude from your loving slave tsina, now known as Mrs_Calic on IC
Edited Fri 13 Jun 08, 10:12 AM by 879-717-990
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