The Top 100 BDSM / Fetish Books    [other banners]

	SD! : Web boards : IE Theory : "Life with or with out TPE" Life with or with out TPE (5) Tue 29 Jul 08, 8:39 AM slavetakara 3 yrs I have been thinking about writing this for while. And I could not find the word or the way expresses this without sounding angry and bitter. So I kept giving myself time to think about it and month and months have passed. So here it goes. As many of you are aware of my Stella past with M/s relationships. Has not been exactly a shining example of being a "slave" in "TPE" relationship. And last 3 years have some best times in my life and some of hardest times in my life. It's never been easy to live this lifestyle and the choices that come with it and with some add extra's being me comes with that. So my reason for writing this. As feel partly it will help me get some closer on the past. But also feel that express my feeling on matter in sane and rational way on something I have felt deeply about for many years. For just under a year, I have been in an M/s Relationship, this being my third in 3 years. But for last six months. I basically told my Master in no certain terms. Back off. the first though that most of will say well that's not M/s. well at the point I took control of my life again. Yes that was me was saying no more M/s "The End" Now I call him my partner. We are in loving and happy relationship and I have wondering six months. If you asked me three months ago my thought about M/s it would been along the lines of. Abusive, weak, predatory males. The usual, but I think in some ways my feeling were justified from my experiences of M/s. one ex Master basically threaten my life after he released me and left and moved on. The prev one before that had basically damaged me internal to stage I had trouble passing solids. (Sorry to be so graphic) But my Partner has stuck by me. And told me that he realised I need time to heal and space to find myself again. He says that I have every reason in world to hate M/s. but he said to me, he wants to be with me. No matter what that is. If that means a "nilla" relationship or M/s relationship then so be it. Which for me is true testament to how much he cares for me. And he took hours and hours of attacks from me, about his wants and desires on M/s. there was times when I would have called anyone in M/s as abusive no matter what. So here I am, standing on my own two feet. For pretty much first time in life. I started my own company. Well two in fact. I am earning money, have my own place and basically becoming the person I wanted to be when I was younger. And with that I have found inner peace. a lot more that I think any TPE relationship could have given me at this time in life. So is it life after TPE for me. Well that's interesting question. I am a lot more focused and a lot more driven that I was before. I feel a lot stronger and ten times more capable of achieving my goals. But then at stood back and realised that it was not just my goals. It was our goals and our dreams. Along the line we have become closer and I could of possible imagined. I am closer my partner that I could have ever been with my ex Masters. Not now I am more and more feeling safer and more comfortable in the submissive role again. I am not scared of being taken advanced off. And not scared that if it mess it up, I will be left with nothing, and end up homeless and broken like it did last time. I know I can stand on my own two feet. And I know I can look after myself. For a lot my life I spend most if relying on others to look after me. I never took responsibility for my own life. And I always expect others pick up the pieces when it went wrong. So for me, I think I did want to be slave but now I see that I was getting into the relationship for all the wrong reasons. I was running away for the past and my responsibility's and now in my opinion that's not a good foundation to start any healthy relationship on Do I hate M/s no, I just realised, I had the desire to be a slave, but I went into with wrong reasons and with wrong people. Now I am not sure. I know inside I still want be submissive. And be back in that Deep TPE. I do miss that part. And I think if anything I am now with right person to do it with. But now I realise there no rush. I'm going spend rest of life with person and if takes use 50 years to get there, then so be it. I am going to enjoy the journey and be best that I can be for him but also myself. I think a lot times, I constantly measured myself off what other slaves were doing. I felt all most completive with other slaves, but now I see not about who's the better slave or who is more submissive and all that. That for me at times was down side about TSR for me. I would read other slaves talking about how good they can do things, or how much they did for the Owners. But now I realise it's about Our/our journey together and rest world has not say in that. So life after TPE, yeah it has been amazing and hard time. But perhaps it has taught me some lessons and perhaps serve as a warming to others who jump into this lifestyle so quickly. That perhaps gives it some though and time. You have plenty of time, so why rush. You perhaps miss out on some experiences that life can offer. takara 29 Jul 08, 9:01 AM JRCs_petk HK, 14 mths Y! Hi takara, I'm glad to hear you've found a degree of clarity with your stance on Ms. I think what most people forget is that relationships are what you make of them. The need for a label, or competing to be a 'better slave' will only ever muddy the water. Work with your partner on your mutual goals, needs and wants in life. Then live it. It sounds like you're on that track already. Ms is not abusive if it is consentual, and if both parties have entered the relationship with a clear objective, and for all the right reasons. Too many people jump into a 'lifestyle' that appears glamorous and exciting on the surface, without considering the realities, and whether it is the right fit. My Owner has a wonderful phrase to describe the need for knowing oneself prior to making any major decisions in life. His analogy is simply that one needs to study the fluff in one's navel before trying to decide who and what they are as a person. From a dominant perspective, we often hear the catchphrase of 'controlling one's own life before attempting to control another'. Similarly, a sub/slave needs to know for sure that submission is the right choice for them. Too often we see persons who are 'damaged' in some way or another seeking shelter in submission, a precarious situation, if not handled carefully by their Owner can lead to further damage. Congratulations takara, I wish you all the best for the future, and applaud your 'tread carefully' approach. Cheers, kim Edited 29 Jul 08, 9:03 AM by JRCs_petk 29 Jul 08, 9:18 AM 879-717-990 UK, 2 yrs Thank you takara. For me, the absolute feeling of "coming home" when i realised that i had found the man who could really know me, completely understand me and would treasure me in a way no one else ever could have or would have, was so powerful that i too absorbed myself too quickly in this lifestyle. i too had given myself previously to a dangerous man who nearly blinded me and of course, my current Owner has to deal with the aftermath. i cannot see well enough at times to serve Him as He might wish me to. my eagerness to be safe in His care made me push too far and too fast which again has led to my Owner having to deal with things He should not have to like selling houses, settling bills etc. i made our transition hard because my slaveheart led my head. That does not mean that things have not or will not work out, it just meant that there was a period of "correction" in which the tide turned backward. As a mother, stepmother and grandmother, that maternal pull completely opposed my desire to be a slave and has at times, eroded it. This is something that i could not have anticipated as my children are grownups and i am not responsible for them anymore. It was my naivete and my absolute desire to please my future Owner that led to my shutting out all the rest of the world to concentrate on Him and serving well too quickly. Several years on, the balance is beginning to swing back and i hope that my IE will lead me to the peaceful service i want to provide to the man that i have dedicated my life and service to. i have wanted to turn my back on IE and living in a TPE/APE 24/7 but cannot. Your post has pointed out quite clearly that it is our levels of commitment in this lifestyle as individuals that can make us so special as couples, the way we can dedicate ourselves whether we are actively high protocol M/s or simply "coasting" still inside the relationship created within the M/s dynamic. i hope you stay well and happy and i hope you find the peace you deserve. And if You are reading this Sir, thank you for all you have done and do for me. slave tsina 29 Jul 08, 9:26 AM anjuli UK, 18 mths Well said, Kim. And congrats Takara on your newfound self and happiness. It's lovely to hear that you're doing well. I think you're spot on with the security and confidence issue. I came to M/s knowing that I was perfectly capable of running my own life - mortgage, bills, business, etc. I wasn't avoiding responsibility by seeking a dominant to look after me, I wasn't running from problems, I wasn't failing and hiding. I was running towards something, seeking peace, happiness and fulfilment and the ultimate intimacy and closest bond with my master. Sometimes I wonder if the internet is that much of a benefit. At least before you had to get out and live life before you could find your way here. Just as we talk about dominants needing some experience of life and stability and maturity to be a good master, I think subs need the same to be able to make the choice to be a slave. And you need to know what you're giving up for the choice to mean much. I am sure there is the odd exception to that rule - the 18 year old master and slave who it all goes swimmingly for but I am talking in general here and for me an M/s bond is for life but I'm not sure I could have said that and meant it twenty years ago. Who am I kidding? I know I couldn't. Anyway, be happy Takara whichever way you travel. anjuli ~~~ “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” - Anais Nin ~~~ 29 Jul 08, 12:03 PM 173-682-895 US(NY), 21 mths i, too, have struggled with the "mommy in me losing control" kinda thing. i am an only child, but gained siblings when my mother remarried when i was 13. i raised my 3 kids by myself (they are now 15, 16 & 18) and i have a stubborn streak a mile long. when Master & i first started getting serious, and He introduced me to D/s (and M/s) i wanted to jump in, both feet, no parachute. i have always craved being dominated, and pleasing other people was always ahead of pleasing myself. Master had to put the brakes on, and let me know "eyes wide open" what i was getting into. it was hard for me, to self-explore my mind and to admit certain things to myself and to Master. the hardest part was (and still is) the financial. Master and i just signed O/our lives away for two car loans (a van for Him and a little car for me) and i am freaking out about these additional bills. Master comforts me, and tells me that it will all work out, that He is handling it, and that i need to let go of it. after all these years of being the sole supporter of my family, it is so difficult to let go, even though i know Master has never failed to take care of me and the kids since W/we got together. letting go is the hardest part for me, letting go of that control of "my" money, "my" responsibilities, "my" sexuality, "my" life. these things all belong to Master now, and i am thankful that i have a Master that is understanding of my shortcomings. Y/you are never more alive as when Y/you are at risk. Master's ~one~ 29 Jul 08, 12:41 PM 879-717-990 UK, 2 yrs 173-682-895 wrote: i, too, have struggled with the "mommy in me losing control" kinda thing. i am an only child, but gained siblings when my mother remarried when i was 13. i raised my 3 kids by myself (they are now 15, 16 & 18) and i have a stubborn streak a mile long. when Master & i first started getting serious, and He introduced me to D/s (and M/s) i wanted to jump in, both feet, no parachute. i have always craved being dominated, and pleasing other people was always ahead of pleasing myself. Master had to put the brakes on, and let me know "eyes wide open" what i was getting into. it was hard for me, to self-explore my mind and to admit certain things to myself and to Master. the hardest part was (and still is) the financial. Master and i just signed O/our lives away for two car loans (a van for Him and a little car for me) and i am freaking out about these additional bills. Master comforts me, and tells me that it will all work out, that He is handling it, and that i need to let go of it. after all these years of being the sole supporter of my family, it is so difficult to let go, even though i know Master has never failed to take care of me and the kids since W/we got together. letting go is the hardest part for me, letting go of that control of "my" money, "my" responsibilities, "my" sexuality, "my" life. these things all belong to Master now, and i am thankful that i have a Master that is understanding of my shortcomings. i understand what you mean. After 44 years of running my life financially my way (which is totally opposite to my Owner) and raising my children on my own with no help, i am used to handling things my way. There is still a few more months to go before i can "hand" it all over to Him and i am not happy to be doing that because i am incapable. i did just fine all these years. i think i will be relieved as i will then be able to concentrate fully on service, the usual things that slaves want to do that require full attention. It can be so hard to focus on giving exemplary service when the kids are ringing with their latest drama etc. i think it is the pull between the two worlds that i am looking forward to letting go of. So slowly pulling my focus back from my old life, finances and kids etc and concentrating on making my new life great is just totally necessary. Which to me looks like what takara has done for herself. i knew totally what being a slave entailed and knew that i could do that without question. What i did not count on is how the outside world can still pull at you even when you seclude yourself in service as much as humanly possible. slave tsina