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	SD! : Web boards : Submission : "Questions and Doubts" Questions and Doubts (7) Sun 17 Aug 08, 2:00 AM 118-144-853 US(SD), 16 mths Y! Lately i've found myself questioning whether i'm actually a slave, or if i'm a submissive (and i'm not going to open the can of worms of what a slave is vs. what a submissive is and i'd ask any respondants not to, either, please). For almost 3 months i've lived with my Master and His Lady, under a contract of consideration. For the past month or more i've felt more and more like 'hired help', a maid or servant than a slave. i've also realized that i need a strong emotional connection to the One i serve and that connection simply isn't there, He either won't or can't give me the emotional support that i've realized i need. i can feel my mindset slipping aside, not content simply to serve Him in whatever manner He requires, and that has led to me questioning whether i AM a slave at all. Why can't i simply be happy serving my Master? i've tried talking to Him about this, but i get all tongue tied when i try to speak about it, so i've written about my doubts and troubles in my journal that He reads. He doesn't seem to want to discuss the matter, and every day that goes by makes it more difficult for me to bring up, and i can feel communication between U/us closing down. It's gotten to the point where i'm ready to ask to be released. i don't know that i actually have a question or if i'm looking for any advice, more that i just needed to vent someplace besides my journal. And yes, i will give Him advance notice before i actually do ask to be released. As far as telling Him all this, i have, the only way i know how to, in my journal and He has not seen fit to acknowlege it, so.... 17 Aug 08, 6:03 AM JSubathrt US(CA), 5 mths Y! I don't know what you want to hear or whether you really need to hear anything. It sounds to me as though you know exactly what's wrong, but don't really want to take that first step to take care of the issue. I do know that as submissives/slaves we must honor our own feelings, wants and needs. If I don't honor myself, how can I honor Dave? If you feel like you're the "hired help" then you need to honor those feelings. If you feel like you are not being supported or listened to with great care then how can you even think about staying. Consideration contracts work both ways. Not only should the Master "consider" whether the fit is good, but the slave/submissive should also "consider" if the fit is right. Even in the toughest of times, Dave took the time to honor my feelings and listen to my concerns. Whether D/s was a part of our relationship or not his concern for my well being was always evident and the emotional support was there. I get so concerned when someone turns their doubts about a relationship into doubts about themselves. I will hope beyond all else that you find the answer in your heart that is right for you. If you find that answer then it will be the right one for everyone else in your life. Judy 17 Aug 08, 4:23 PM enahrose US(AL), 9 mths 118-144-853 wrote: Questions and Doubts Lately i've found myself questioning whether i'm actually a slave, or if i'm a submissive i've also realized that i need a strong emotional connection to the One i serve and that connection simply isn't there, He either won't or can't give me the emotional support that i've realized i need. i can feel my mindset slipping aside, not content simply to serve Him in whatever manner He requires, and that has led to me questioning whether i AM a slave at all. Why can't i simply be happy serving my Master? I can understand your discontent. I do not label myself Slave or submissive or any other life style label. I serve my Master becuase i enjoy serving him but i do need to get something back from him... not just my serving. I think slaves who say that they do not expect to get anything in return do not mean that they DONT get anything in return... only that as a submissive or slave they cannot EXPECT anything. If there isnt the emotional connection, the love and support, I could not serve my Master. I need something back from him. I need to know he is pleased and I even need his praise. If i am bad I am often given cold shoulder punishmnet... becuase Master knows that ignoring me hurts more then the paddle. If he ignored me all the time never seeming to "notice" what i did like i was nothing but a hired servent I couldnt continue. Human's need love and support. You are Human and a consenting slave and your needs should also be met. That your Master reads your journal and has not discussed the entries with you is, i feel, a red flag. I would go to him and ask to talk one on one as equals. Ask if he has read your journal. And that you have written about how unhappy you are right now. A caring Master will allow you to come to him and discuss a problem as an equal human rather then as his slave (or at least mine does!) Tell him its hard to express in words what you are feeling but you have written it all in your journal. You need to get this resolved...Maybe he is a Master that feels a slave should have no needs other then food and shelter (no emotional needs) I have read about such Master's online that claim Loving their slave makes them weak. I would never ever give myself to someone who did not love me becuase i know he wouldnt be able to fulfill my needs and i would not find joy in serving his needs. I will hush now but i am sending you a big hug... Enah 18 Aug 08, 5:26 PM anjuli UK, 18 mths 118-144-853 wrote: Questions and Doubts Lately i've found myself questioning whether i'm actually a slave, or if i'm a submissive (and i'm not going to open the can of worms of what a slave is vs. what a submissive is and i'd ask any respondants not to, either, please). For almost 3 months i've lived with my Master and His Lady, under a contract of consideration. For the past month or more i've felt more and more like 'hired help', a maid or servant than a slave. i've also realized that i need a strong emotional connection to the One i serve and that connection simply isn't there, He either won't or can't give me the emotional support that i've realized i need. i can feel my mindset slipping aside, not content simply to serve Him in whatever manner He requires, and that has led to me questioning whether i AM a slave at all. Why can't i simply be happy serving my Master? i've tried talking to Him about this, but i get all tongue tied when i try to speak about it, so i've written about my doubts and troubles in my journal that He reads. He doesn't seem to want to discuss the matter, and every day that goes by makes it more difficult for me to bring up, and i can feel communication between U/us closing down. It's gotten to the point where i'm ready to ask to be released. i don't know that i actually have a question or if i'm looking for any advice, more that i just needed to vent someplace besides my journal. And yes, i will give Him advance notice before i actually do ask to be released. As far as telling Him all this, i have, the only way i know how to, in my journal and He has not seen fit to acknowlege it, so.... Okay, you've had some good feedback and some tough but sound advice. I want to add a couple of things... Firstly, you're serving a period of consideration and that runs two ways. And my advice here is... what is not solved during a time when the M knows you have the freedom to decide either way too, will not change after you give that freedom away! Please read that a couple of times and make sure it really goes in. Do NOT accept a change in status on the basis that things will change. Not because people are deceitful or nasty, it's just human. Change first, put things right, then take new steps. Now onto your questioning of yourself and the tough love advice offered by Kurt. Firstly I will just say it was well done (hard to read in one huge chunk that way) but pretty good stuff and lots of food for thought. But it's also offered from a very different place to the one you're in and from someone with few doubts in his mind (whereas you have many), great assurance of his place (which you don't have) and comfort with what he is (which again you yet lack). Even if this period of consideration does not result in your being offered and accepting a place as a slave in your Master's household... what does that mean? It's a failure? You are not a slave? Rubbish. At worst, it's a success in showing that this is not the place or the master for you perhaps. You are a sub who has yet to find her master at the very least! And you have learned a great deal about yourself and about service and real time slavery. Good grief... you cannot lose! You will never be the same person again and that started from week one. And your master will be learning too. Perhaps more than you realise? I am concerned that he's not raised the issue of your struggles when he's read of them in your journal. And that's what made me start this reply the way I did. All through an M/s relationship (and even more critically in a poly family) open and thoroughly honest communication is vital. One person's unhappiness cannot be overlooked. Good slaves do not spring forth fully formed like Venus from a shell, they are made and carved and moulded by their Masters. And that takes time, effort, dedication and intelligence. And sometimes dominant individuals discover that they don't have the time, inclination, energy or stamina to devote just as subs sometimes find that 24/7 slavery is just a step too far. No-one slips on a collar and abruptly finds all their submissive moments sliding into one lifelong period of sudden selfless service. It takes times and tears and effort and un-self-pitying honesty and sometimes sheer effort of will and bloody-mindedness to transform yourself and leave behind the bad bits and become what he wants. The very least you deserve is lots of help and support to do that and an honourable and upfront agreement of exactly what level of love and care and attention you will get in return. You deserve to be happy in giving your whole self - whatever that takes for you - and you must find the one who will make you happy whilst taking and getting what he wants. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself as Kurt suggests but also be kind to yourself. You are currently the one in the most exposed and uncertain position, without the power to change things, and having to look to others to lead... but you are still not over your head yet. Don't forget that this is a test of the others in the relationship too so be honest about their strengths and weaknesses as well as your own and you cannot fail o grow and gain from this experience... either by finding a way thro here or knowing more for next time. Take care anjuli ~~~ “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” - Anais Nin ~~~ 18 Aug 08, 7:09 PM 879-717-990 UK, 2 yrs you must really feel confused and a bit lost right now. That is really understandable. If this is your first service placement (i could not tell from your profile) and you are only 12 weeks in, you will be going through all sorts of emotions as you serve. Personal adjustments, physical adjustments and so on. When i look through my journal entries written during that period of my service, i hardly recognise myself. However there was simply no doubt that i was indeed in the correct placement for me. As you are there under consideration, this is a great opportunity to learn what is the best environment for you to serve in. If you have discovered that to be the best service provider (be it sub, slave, bottom, switch etc) you need emotional input, that's fine. If your current placement is incorrect for you, that's fine too. you have not failed in any way. i don't think it can always be a matter of just getting on with it and making an owner happy if you don't feel connected to the service in some way. As you have made your feelings quite clear in your journals, search your own heart. Can you ever see yourself happy there? In the best of circumstances there, could you be happy? Once you have made sure that your owner knows your feelings (ask if he has read and understood your feelings, check to be sure you understand one another, even if it is in writing)ask permission to spend a weekend away from them, just to clear your head and listen to your own heart. Choosing the right service placement is so important. If this one is not right for you, that is okay. That does not mean that you are not able to serve someone else in the future. Take good care of yourself. slave tsina 18 Aug 08, 7:33 PM Mistress_Tiara UK, 2 yrs I think it may be helpful for you to try to analyse which of your feelings are to do with the huge change you are going through as a result of your new life, and which are to do with incompatabilities with your Master & his Lady. I also think you may need to think hard about the lack of emotional connection you feel, and the lack of support you feel and work out if these issues can be overcome. If you think that your feelings are mostly down to you adapting to a new, very difficult role, then perhaps you could set a time for yourself to talk to your Master, and work together toward resolving your difficulties. I would suggest that this may be best as a period of extended consideration. If however, you are simply finding that this is not the situation and relationship for you, I would suggest that you remember that you are still under consideration, but are also still considering things yourself. This may mean ending your current situation. Although this will probably feel sad to you, there is no reason why you should not be able to do this in an amicable way - you are not criticising your Master, just saying that you have used your consideration period for what it is intended, and realised that this household is not the right one for you. If you go down this route, remember that just because this time didnt work out as you hoped it is not a failure or a reflection of your suitability to service. You are going through a learning process & will hopefully therefore now have a little more idea about what you need (for example, you now know you need emotional support and will know to check for that in future) which you can use to help you make good decisions next time. Trying things to find the life you want is brave. Many people dont take the leap you have done & even get this far. If therefore you do decide to start again, remember that you are doing so as part of an ongoing process to help you find contentment. Good luck whatever you decide to do. *~*Mistress Tiara*~* 20 Aug 08, 7:55 PM 515-758-196 FR, 5 mths enahrose wrote: I serve my Master becuase i enjoy serving him but i do need to get something back from him... not just my serving. I think slaves who say that they do not expect to get anything in return do not mean that they DONT get anything in return... only that as a submissive or slave they cannot EXPECT anything. If there isnt the emotional connection, the love and support, I could not serve my Master. I need something back from him. I need to know he is pleased and I even need his praise. If i am bad I am often given cold shoulder punishmnet... becuase Master knows that ignoring me hurts more then the paddle. If he ignored me all the time never seeming to "notice" what i did like i was nothing but a hired servent I couldnt continue. Human's need love and support. You perfectly summed up what I felt ; please, should I quote you on my own blog ? You touched a really very important thing for me. (I apologise for my poor english, I'm french) hell_liza 21 Aug 08, 4:23 AM 118-144-853 US(SD), 16 mths Y! Thank Y/you all for the replies, the input is greatly appreciated. Master and i have talked about this (finally) since i started the thread, and He and i have worked out O/our solution. Alas, the solution is realizing and recognizing that there is a fundamental incompatibility in O/our personalities and emotional make up. That is, after all, as some of Y/you have pointed out, exactly what a period of consideration is for.