| Oh dear. I'm afraid I think Krista's right and you're not going to like the answers really. At the risk of upsetting you, but in the interests of clarity and hopefully helping you to think this thro, I am going to opt for frank advice over treading around everyone's feelings but please understand I'm not intending offence just trying to clear away some of the confusion that no doubt each of you feels from where you are on the inside of this problem.
A poly family is meant to be accepted and positive for everyone involved. He and his first partner are not in an M/s relationship so just saying that what he wants goes, just doesn't wash I'm afraid.
And in terms of handling the development of that poly family, he's already screwed up (and made his own life and those of the people he is meant to love and care for a misery) so even contemplating of adding another is insane. What is he thinking?!?!?
She 'expresses her hatred' of you. And you question him about how he finds 'any joy in a vanilla relationship' rather than your own M/s one? Boy is he brewing some pain.
Do you see that you are part of the problem? Do you see from her side that you probably ARE the problem because there wasn't one until he brought you in? Did she even agree to and want this too? On what basis? Clearly it's not one he resolved fully if she hates you.
What's your point of view? I am sure you have one too but it's not really clear from what you say. And, slave or not, can you see how you have to be part of the solution? You need to accept that he DOES find joy in his relationship with her - even if it is different from your M/s dynamic - just as you presumably expect her to understand that you give him something she doesn't!
You ALL need to want to solve it and live as a poly group or you can forget it.
So what is HE doing to address the problems? Seeing he's meant to be the master in his house and he's presumably the one who initiated the whole thing with his vanilla partner and with you?
He IS entirely responsible basically and he needs to facilitate and manage the introduction of the third into his existing relationship - and a bit like M/s there are no days off - it's hard work and effort and commitment to maintain, every day - rather than the fantasy most have.
How do the two of you women communicate? How are you meant to build a relationship that will let you share the same house and the same man in peace and live fulfilled and happy lives?
The only way that poly can work - no matter what the mix of vanilla and other - is if you two like each other too at some level. That doesn't mean she has to be involved in your M/s or that you have to have a sexual bond but a bond there has to be and as you are an s to him, rules for both of you about how you interact.
All I see is his ad for a pet for you and the possiblity of sometime moving the lot of you to Italy and that he's 'frustrated' that you don't get on? Good grief! Now the last is of course your interpretation of how he feels about the situation but taking the ad down and accepting that he has work to do first would be a good start.
I'm sorry to keep coming back to it but I cannot fathom how he can consider another, how he thinks a four will work, when you three have the issues you have? Was it just supposed to be hunky dorey because it was what HE wanted? He needs to think and act and shelve the fantasy of another until he's capable of handling the relationships he's got!
If you're keen on poly and prepared to put in the effort it takes, you need to learn together. You need to read and (as you're doing here  ) talk to others. There are people here who have a mixed poly family and it works - but the guy in charge (and he knows who he is <grins> save the blushes and get on with that damn book cos it sure is needed!) is exceptional, there's no way around that.
Your m's job is HUGE given where he's starting from with the current hatred and undermining going on between the two of you.
He has to manage and control YOU, let you know what is and is not acceptable and help you deal with any jealousy or feelings you have... whilst at the same time, negotiating as an equal with his vanilla partner and coming to an agreement with her, and ALSO somehow bring the two of you together.
And the playing field between YOU two will never be equal. She is his equal, you are his slave. He has to decide how she will deal with you and get her to agree to his terms. That puts you at risk of negotiating what's okay with you here without the power or position to do so now that you are collared and owned.
Can you see why you should have done all this before you stepped into this? And he should have known better or at least known his own limitations?
I think Krista is right. You could end up in an impossible situation. You need to think about what you hope for... what vision of the future you see for yourself?
Please don't just think that if she leaves it will all be okay. If things really are as you describe, he seems already to have demonstrated a lack of patience and maturity in how he's handling his desires and others' emotions and it does not stack up that another third will make it all okay.
What he does now and how he handles this and each of the relationships in it can tell you a great deal about his intelligence, loyalty, dependability, EQ and self-control... use it for the gift that is to you! You may as well get something good from the bad... watch and learn.
Best of luck. I think you're all going to need it. I hope you've been able to read and I've not just enraged you! If you can draw on or use something from this horribly long post and get past hearing such hard views of a personal situation, then I shall take my hat off to you. It's tough to come to a forum and ask for, let alone actually get and listen to, stuff like this... please don't take it as personal insults, it really isn't meant to be. Take care of yourself while it all gets sorted, yes?
anjuli
~~~ “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” - Anais Nin ~~~
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