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	SD! : Web boards : Poly D/s : "Poly questions..." 1 2 3 Poly questions... (25) Sun 31 Aug 08, 6:18 AM OpheliaDies72 US(UT), 4 mths  Hello there. Thank you for reading. I just have some questions, and was wondering if anyone was in a like situation, or had any ideas to help. I am a domme. I have been in the lifestyle for over a decade now, minus the last 2 years. I have been in a regular vanilla relationship, and am now married to a wonderful man. I do love him, dearly, but I miss the lifestyle. Everything about it calls to me. I have talked to him about this, and altho he doesnt understand the need, the urge, I feel for these things, he states am free to find a sub/slave woman, and if it will make me happy, he will be happy. So first, would this actually be possible? Can I start a poly hosuehold without ruining my marriage? In some ways I think yes. He is a kind loving giving man, and truely does want me happy. But how do I make him see this is different than what we share? Second question then, is if this does happen, what rules should we start with? I undersand to each couple their own, but I was wondering if there were other couples and what theirs were. Third, then, is those of you who have tried this, or live the lifestyle, what happened? What made it work, or not work, in your case? Thank you all for reading, again. Any advice you give would be greatly appreciated. ~k~ 31 Aug 08, 1:12 PM slave_alyra CA, 3 mths  thank you for Your openness in trying to find an answer. you are very honest in Your pursuit of happiness and balance. i myself am in a similar situation. i am married to a wonderful vanilla man, who i share a very stable, normal life with. but we lack a sense of intimacy and our relationship is very superficial in many ways, as i do not feel fulfilled in many ways. mostly the sexual side as well as the mental and intellectual way. so i have found someone else on the side. a beautiful Master who i connect with on every level and to such a deep degree that i am consumed by Him. right now i myself am struggling with the idea that i can balance this out. my vanilla husband only wishes for my happiness, but is also concerned that i will leave him for my Master (who is also married to vanilla woman). he has every right to feel threatened, but i also feel that i would like to have it both ways. my Master, and my friend my husband. at least for now. there are children involved and i wish to keep things as smooth as possible. i guess what i am saying is i understand your emotions. the pull of the lifestyle can be very strong. because it is embedded so deeply into every aspect of O/our lives. and it is hard to deny, no matter who W/we may be attached to in O/our every day lives. i think if Your husband is willing to explore this side of You, because he loves You and wants You to be happy, then You should. if i could incorporate both men in my life at the same time, with no hurt feelings, i will have found peace. but jealousy is a strong feeling. and some people can not see past that emotion to the trueness of what W/we need to do to fulfill U/us and make U/us whole. for me the pull of my Master is so very strong and the need to be with Him 24/7 is starting to make things hard for me with my husband. and i find myself pulling away from him and turning to my Master more and more.....i put this same question out on the thread called..please offer your 2 cents....so please read if you can... i hope i can offer You some solace that there are O/others out here that understand.... that is the role of people in O/our lives....to offer a different way of seeing things. to offer experience and guidance to each O/other as W/we all navigate O/our fumbling way through this life..... best of luck to You.....my friend slave alyra 124-765-455 slave alyra 31 Aug 08, 6:37 PM ravenkaldera US(MA), 3 yrs  Damn. Someday I am going to have to write a book on D/s and polyamory. Not this year, though. I have 6 books on my plate as it is. However, here is some advice. 1) Although D/s does create some special problems in a poly relationship, for the most part the same lessons apply as would to a vanilla poly relationship. Reading up on polyamory as a whole is a good start. There are some decent books out there on the subject. I wrote one of 'em. Your husband, especially, should be reading them too, and the two of you should be discussing it. 2) The absolutely most important thing is selecting the right person. It may take a lot of toad-kissing to get the right one. I tried for a decade before the right boy came along. Don't rush things, don't settle for someone not really right. 3) Whoever you select should be experienced with polyamory and understand the deal completely. They should love the concept of serving a married couple. (I know that there are some slaves on here who serve a married couple; they should speak up about the good and bad things.) 4) You and your husband need to figure out how the rules are going to be first, before you drag some poor person into a vague situation. Submissives are vulnerable and they deserve to know how things will stand. Here are a list of questions that you and your husband will have to work out: Will this sub be submissive only to you, or will your husband have some kind of authority over her? Even if he's not a dom, he might like to be able to come home from work and casually order her to give him a blowjob and make him a sandwich. There are few who would pass that up, y'know? I know a few partners of slaveowners who told me that they like to have full-on passionate lovemaking with their partners and casual quickies with the slaves. If she is to follow his orders as well, whose come first? This you'll have to work out together - think of it as co-owning a car, who is the primary driver and who gets it how often? How about sex? If she is to have sex with both of you, what will the fluid exchange situation be? Full latex? With whom? Could she be incorporated into your marital fluid bond, and after what probationary period and what testing? Will the sub be allowed to have outside sexual activities? With whom? How does this affect the issue above? Will they live with you? Do you have the room? Do you have the money to feed them and give them medical care? Will they be required to work and pay you something? How much? What are deal-breakers? Kids? History of mental illness, currently controlled? Smoking? Not being single? Not being bisexual? Physical disabilities? Appearance? What skills would you like this sub to have? Secretarial, cooking, massage, car repair, doing taxes? What are you willing to get them trained in? Are you just looking for a sexual sub and don't care about them doing the dishes? How "out" are you willing to be about your polyamorous relationship? Some lovers may be fine with being in the closet, others may feel hurt and devalued if they're just "the nanny" or "the roommate" when the in-laws are over. Make sure that you find someone who is OK with how you want to handle that. Are you looking for someone who is more service-oriented, or more control-oriented? How will you three communicate problems? Will there be regular group check-ins, to prevent triangulation and message-carrying? Most importantly, what's your husband's ideal of how this should go, in a perfect world? Lemme tell you, if you can get him excited about doing this *as a couple*, and have him help with the interviewing and all that, it will go much better for your marriage. Then it's a team sport, not something that pulls you away from him. Reluctance on his part to get involved might mean that he is harboring secret doubts, which need to be resolved *now*, before you bring in the hapless third party. Hope this gives you some food for thought, -Raven Kaldera -If you're in charge, it's all on your head. If it's not all on your head, then you're not really in charge. 5 Sep 08, 1:47 PM Sungmehetu US(OR), 2 yrs  Raven, the consumate professional. I hate to play "Bad Cop" to Raven's "Professor". In My experience Vanilla men are excited at first about having two girls together in the same household. It's all Playboy mansion, feeling like Hef himself...until. When you give attention to this girl, possibly not even realizing you are doing it, he will begin to feel left out. Raven's responce is dead on. But your husband has to read a bit about...scratch that, ALOT about lifestyle. The sociology of it. Manners and morals. You will have to immerce him in the knowledge. Without him knowing what you crave, I just don't think uninformed Vanilla men, or women can understand. This is something that anyone with Vanilla friends can attest to...I'm sure you already know. Having to explain the steel ring around pokey's neck. Yeah...lost a few friends. Those I keep are curious and interested. Raven what is the name of Your book, and where is it sold? I want My brie to read it. (brie is My new CD in the Family) Be Well Michael pokey n brie Edited 5 Sep 08, 1:48 PM by Sungmehetu 5 Sep 08, 2:29 PM wandernlilsoul US(CA), 4 mths  I quite agree with sungmehetu... and wish you all the best of luck. 5 Sep 08, 5:45 PM ravenkaldera US(MA), 3 yrs  Sungmehetu wrote: Raven, the consumate professional. Thank you, I am honored. My book is called "Pagan Polyamory" - yes, it does have a religious slant to it which may or may not be something that you folks would want, but if you can get around that there are a lot of decent advice and a whole lot of interviews with articulate polyamorous people with good ideas. I think it's the only book out there with information on handling kids, and death, for example. It's available on Amazon or can be ordered through a bookstore. What it *doesn't* have is anything on BDSM or D/s or kink. The publisher would not have taken it if I'd put that in, sadly enough. I had to keep it vanilla if I wanted it in a more mainstream press. Plus I knew that this deserved an entire book unto itself ... which, when I get through the 6 currently on my plate, if no one's written one by then I'll think about it. -Raven Kaldera -If you're in charge, it's all on your head. If it's not all on your head, then you're not really in charge. 7 Sep 08, 1:41 PM Sungmehetu US(OR), 2 yrs  Thank You Brother. I think Lakota would be a Pagan Religion. I'll be checking it out. M, p&b Edited 7 Sep 08, 1:48 PM by Sungmehetu 7 Sep 08, 6:10 PM clarice US(MO), 3 mths  K - You have received a LOT of good advice here. In fact, some people (Raven... *glares*) stole the words right from my mouth. Like He said, make sure Your husband helps out and really IS interested in this, and please make sure he doesn't feel like You will leave him for Your new sub/slave/pet/toy/whathaveYou. That is my main concern when thinking about poly relationships. i myself have a question (to any who will answer): i recently (last night) brought the idea of a poly relationship up to my Master. He said no. Even after my explaining my reasoning (my friends, who are in a M/s relationship, can't find the right fit in themselves. One doesn't want M/s dynamics, just D/s, sometimes. However one is a strong Mistress type personality and needs an outlet and neither are happy serving. my Master was having issues with my emotions, i was having issues with Him not being able to handle them, so i suggessted my friend join us as a second Dom and they could work together, since She knows how to calm me down easily. Then everyone's happy, because no one has more on their plate than they need.) His reasoning i understand: He wants me as His and His only, for no one else to have ANY claim on. My question is... Has anyone else had/heard of a sub/slave wanting or wanting to explore poly relationships but the Master refusing? Is this only when it is with another Dom or another sub as well? My theory is that subs will be threatened when other subs are brought in, and Doms will be threaten when another Dom is brought in. But i'm curious of other's opinions. (If this is too off topic [i figured it would be ok to post because the name of the thread is "poly questions"], please let me know and i'll move it.) clarice. clarice. Posted with my Master's permission. At His feet is where i belong. It is where i feel safe and comforted, and i would have it no other way. 7 Sep 08, 7:44 PM Camille US(CA), 4 mths  clarice wrote: (If this is too off topic [i figured it would be ok to post because the name of the thread is "poly questions"], please let me know and i'll move it.) Clarice - I think not only should you remove your post, but you should stop reading and posting here altogether. You are aware of the policy here and at 16 years, you are a minor. The question is not whether you are interested or mature enough to benefit from this site (as you may well be) or even whether the policy is "fair", but rather the legal problems you may cause for site's owner by your presence and for any members whose advice to you could be construed as encouraging you and your master to engage in activities which would be considered illegal due to your ages. I know it is frustrating to be excluded, but it will be best for everyone concerned if you abide by site policy. Camille Edited 7 Sep 08, 7:45 PM by Camille 7 Sep 08, 11:09 PM anjuli UK, 16 mths  Well said Camille. I've said elsewhere, sorry clarice, but this is entirely correct. Please stop. anjuli ~~~ “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” - Anais Nin ~~~ 8 Sep 08, 9:06 AM Hawklord UK, 2 yrs  clarice wrote: K - for no one else to have ANY claim on. My question is... Has anyone else had/heard of a sub/slave wanting or wanting to explore poly relationships but the Master refusing? Is this only when it is with another Dom or another sub as well? I know in the Gor model it's perfectly fine for there to be more than one Master and/or more than one slave with the slaves owned personally or handed round as the Masters wish. Whether it can work in r/l I don't know. I can't think why not. I do think that the slave has to be owned by only one Master though, and the other Master(s) may use her by agreement. she of course must obey all the Masters as a true slave should. As for the other posts about you being 16 I think it is up to Tanos to do any moderating that needs to be done. At your age you naturally have many questions and hope to find answers from the older and more experienced members here. I hope you get other opinions. Update by edit: I looked back and can see clarice has posted a few times and been criticised for it. I'm sure Tanos must be aware by now and has done nothing. And I'm sure the thought police are not reading every post on this website to find minors. There are no pictures. I don't believe anyone is breaking any laws to help the girl understand the life she has chosen. ~~ Hawklord Sic volo. sic jubeo. stat pro ratione voluntas Edited 8 Sep 08, 9:21 AM by Hawklord Next page