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	SD! : Web boards : Ritual : "I am seeking advice" I am seeking advice (7) Sat 13 Sep 08, 8:58 AM ellyssian US(WA), 3 mths  Hello there, I am rather new here, you may call me Elly. It is what Master calls me. I am a pet, a serving submissive. I am not to be called a slave, Master dislikes that word greatly. I have been in this relationship, as a pet, for about two months now. Needless to say I have many questions still. I would like to get to know many of you, Masters/ Mistresses and servants alike. I wish to tell a little about my relationship with Master before I ask many questions of you. For I believe if you know better of Master and myself then you can better answer my obscure questions. My Master is a kind man. He is a healer. He believes in the value of a human and a woman. He wishes me to keep my mind, my spirit. In the end. Right now He is my Keeper as well as my Master. I have entrusted Him with my mind so He may heal me. That is how we got into this dynamic. He believed through ritual I would be able to become a strong woman. That is His true goal, to help me become an independent woman. He wishes above all else to heal me. But my Master fears, He fears hurting me. There have been events, unforeseeable, that had hurt me and there was nothing Master could do to keep the hurt away from me. He blames Himself and feels guilt. He is also afraid I will become too attached as His pet, and eventually ruin myself. He wishes me not to lose my sense of self. He believes that is murder, befitting His enemies, not His loved ones. I wish to help Him, heal Him as He is healing me. I just don't know how to explain to Him how much I trust He wont let me lose myself. I need your help, please give me insight. As of right now, I want what pleases Master. But I also wish Him to feel comfortable with continuing to train me. I want to be His until He truly believes I am strong enough to master myself. And even then I want to be His friend. I just, I don't know how to help Him. Please ~A lost and confused Elly~ 13 Sep 08, 12:49 PM property_of_MacCain US(PA), 9 mths  Elly, please know i'm not saying this to hurt your feelings in anyway. i'm saying this in attempt to help you. From your post i am reading between the lines and if i'm off base feel free to correct me. You sound young, and somewhat new to the scene. i'm guessing your "Master" is not a whole lot older than you, and although in all likelihood really has your best interests in mind...it doesn't sound like he wants to control you. If he has expressed that he is afraid that you are losing yourself, he probably sees things that you are not willing to admit. D/s relationships are all around us. W/we submit to our professors, parents, employers...but that does not make us have a relationship with them in the sense we use D/s here. i have no knowledge of what he is trying to "heal" in your case, but i'm going to go out on a limb and say i believe it to be emotional/psychological hurt. If he sees you as needing his assistance in healing...to make you whole...i can see why he has these concerns. If you are newly "out of the nest" you might want to consider finding yourself before throwing yourself into a relationship of this nature. i'm not saying your not really interested in this lifestyle, nor that i believe you will never be ready...possibly with a "Master" more willing to take that role to the level. Today, based on the information provided, i don't see this "master" as being the one to take you there. Just my thoughts. i hope i didn't offend you. i really wasn't trying to. p I breathe because He allows me to, indulging Him indulges me. 13 Sep 08, 1:50 PM x_Ancilla_x UK, 7 mths  Hello Elly You don't give any detail about the events the pain of which your Master was unable to protect you from. However it's impossible for one human being to protect another from all pain. It's the nature of life that painful things come into it. We try to protect our children from all pain don't we, but eventually it's beyond our control, especially the older they grow. It's pain and discomfort that contribute towards growth. Rather than reproach himself that he couldn't protect you, perhaps he can help you develop to be able to deal with the pain – develop coping strategies? To grow into a stronger person, since that seems to be compatible with his aims? One of the paradigms that Tanos gives in his writings to conceptualise an M/s relationship, if I remember correctly, is that of counsellor/therapist and client. I realise that your Master objects to the word slave and his aim does not seem to be enslavement, so perhaps it's this aspect of a D/s relationship that might be helpful? It would be compatible with the concept of healer. A therapist's aim is to facilitate the client's development, certainly to provide a safe and comforting response to pain, but to provide a framework where the client can work through their pain and eventually heal it. A therapist can't protect their client from feeling the pain of painful events, nor do they have perfect foresight to be able to help someone avoid all such events. They can only help the person in dealing with the pain and perhaps find strategies to stop similar suffering in the future. Hope this helps. 13 Sep 08, 6:45 PM ellyssian US(WA), 3 mths  You both are right, but thats not really what I was asking, I know how our relationship is kind of working. What I was looking for help for... was how I can ease Master's fears. I do the things He tells me and I please Him, but that still does not help His hurt. His fears. I am just wondering how I can help... Sorry for the confusion. 13 Sep 08, 8:54 PM petejazz UK, 7 yrs  Well said p....couldn't agree more. Although, I actually think that maybe she is young....and he older...However, well done on your careful consideration. Pete 13 Sep 08, 9:17 PM x_Ancilla_x UK, 7 mths  Find out the beliefs underneath the fears and challenge those beliefs using evidence from real life events - both things from your relationship and outside it - events which contradict the fears. Are the fears rational, things that are highly likely to happen? I'd guess not from you saying you want to ease them. Try and get him to examine how often these things do actually happen - a lot, sometimes, never? You might also look at how the fearful beliefs originated and whether such beliefs are still relevant to his current circumstances. Sometimes people only abandon fears after a long period of outside events demonstrating there is little or no basis for the fears in reality. 13 Sep 08, 9:57 PM little_linnet US, 3 yrs  I don't know that there's anything you can really do to solve his fears. My experience is that people who are afraid of this just aren't ready for holding the dominant role in a D/s relationship. Some of them will never be ready, because they will never be able to come to terms with the idea that a submissive can submit deeply and still be emotionally healthy. These people simply aren't deeply dominant, although some of them may be, but so entrenched in their misconceptions that they're permanently crippled. Others will learn over time as they explore their own feelings, needs and preconceptions and mature into their desire to control. These people are just inexperienced dominants. Someday they will be able to own or deeply control someone else. But they can still, frankly, do a lot of damage to a similarly inexperienced submissive by reinforcing the submissive's own fears about herself, or by reacting to it in ultimately hurtful ways (blaming, abandoning, or as your dominant seems to be at risk of doing, withdrawing). ellyssian wrote: He is also afraid I will become too attached as His pet, and eventually ruin myself. He wishes me not to lose my sense of self. He believes that is murder, befitting His enemies, not His loved ones. You sound like a submissive to me. And that means that to some degree, ultimately, your happiness in a relationship will come from subsuming yourself to a dominant partner. It simply is not something you grow out of; while you may have trauma from past events that you do need to heal from, your submissiveness will never heal because it's not a wound. Is this something you've accepted about yourself? Do you view it as pathological? Do you feel that it serves your wholeness and happiness to stay in a relationship with someone who believes it's pathological and who is actively afraid of it? I'm not saying that you should break off what seems to be a deeply important relationship for you. What I'm saying is that now is the time to think very very hard about who you are, about what you need, and about what a healthy and strong you will look like. And then you assess whether being with this person *is* actually working towards that you. If you ultimately discover that when you need is in fact to "lose yourself" in someone else -- as many, many of us here have -- and he's convinced that the idea is a pathological one and akin to murder, then it probably would be best for both of you if he didn't continue to train you. Have you read this excellent essay? Maybe it would be helpful. http://www.enslavement.org.uk/yld-healthy Its sister essay "The Troubled Submissive" is on the same site. Krista The thing you have to remember about girls is that the hyperfluid bearings under the camshafts can be miscalibrated along either axis, so regular maintanence is required to keep resonance in the titanium casing from causing abrasions against the primary sprocket joists. 13 Sep 08, 10:17 PM property_of_MacCain US(PA), 9 mths  My thoughts exactly, little_linnet! i was hoping you would sound in here. OP: A large part of being submissive is accepting what the Dom has decided even if we don't like it. In your case your Dom has decided it would not be in your best interest to continue training. i could not, in good conscience, advise trying to manipulate him into feeling the same way you do. i'm sorry. i wish i had the magic answer to make everyone happy. The good news is that he is not the only Dom out there. Just because this isn't working out how you'd like, doesn't mean you won't ever find a Dom that is comfortable with you the way you are. p ~~~Edited to correct a grammatical error...a dangling participle and the mother of all run on sentences... apparently i edit better in the a.m. ~~~ I breathe because He allows me to, indulging Him indulges me. Edited 14 Sep 08, 11:36 AM by property_of_MacCain