Sat 27 Sep 08, 1:16 AM
ravenkaldera
US(MA), 3 yrs 
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A friend of mine was asking me about how decisions get made in an M/s relationship – how much weight do I give my boy's words, what are needs vs. wants, etc. I wrote her this post, and then I thought that it might be useful for other people to read, especially beginners who haven't yet done this. Especially in light of Coffee's empowered submissive post. So here it is; people can feel free to comment.....
All right. I could use my boy Joshua as an example, but since your difficulties with the idea seem like very personal fears, I'm going to use a theoretical you. Let's say that you're my slave. (I know that's not easy to imagine because you don't know me that well, but let's just suspend disbelief here.) Let's say that I notice that you've been getting behind on the chores I've ordered you to do, because you're on the Internet all the time, mostly on blogs and lists and forums.
First, I sit you down and we have a conversation. I tell you what I've been seeing. You tell me that your Internet lists are an absolute necessity for you emotionally, and beg me not to take them away. Do I believe you? Well, considering that I've been studying you for the past several months or years, I'll know when you're lying to yourself. I'll know that voice and that body language. (If you're someone who would consciously lie to me, then you'd have been weeded out in the first week, and the point would be moot.) So I'll watch that. I'll listen to your reasons for needing large amounts of time on the Internet. I'll judge them as to how specious they sound, and what I know of how your mind works.
I'm also probably wondering about whether I should give you an ultimatum – I'll let you prove to me that you can do all your chores without my cutting back your Internet time – or just say forget it, you get one hour a day and that's all. Which I pick will have a lot to do with what I know about you. Do you have time management difficulties that have required more supervision in the past? If so, I'm not bothering with an ultimatum. I know where that will get us – right back here again. If I do let you prove it to me, the first failure will boot you back to one hour a day, period.
For, you see, I'm not some distant general giving commands from on high, not knowing or caring whether they cause you pain. I'm the exact opposite. I'm in your head already. I know you like a book. I know every emotion that crosses your face. I've interrogated you about everything, watching, judging, figuring you out. You are not allowed to hold anything back from me, and I long ago learned how to wrest out those thoughts that you weren't giving me. I can second-guess you almost every time. I am waiting around every mental corner for you, always one jump ahead. And really, you don't want to beat me at this, because it is deeply comforting to you that I am always one jump ahead.
This is not distance. It's an intimacy so deep that most people would find it frightening.
So let's say that I know you have time management difficulties, and you've failed me before, more than once, when asked to schedule your day effectively. Let's say that I decide that the Internet is a cookie, not protein. Or, more likely, that it's fast becoming an addiction that pulls you away from the important things. Free people have the privilege of fucking up their lives with addictive behaviors. You don't. You will be forced into healthiness whether you like it or not. I say so. Internet is down to one hour a day, period. And, in fact, I want you to take a week off, starting now. You can write one email or post telling people that you'll be away for a week. You probably feel terrible, and right now you hate me.
What do I want you to be thinking at this point? We will have discussed that. I'll have given steps to take yourself through mentally in order to cope with a difficult order. The first one is to remind yourself that you signed up for this, that you knew that there would be hard things in among the good things. You will remind yourself, quickly, of what some of the good things are. You will remind yourself of why you signed up for this in the beginning, why it was the right choice for you.
Second, you'll remember my track record. You'll remember all the times when I was right and you were wrong, regarding judgments about life issues. You'll remember that I am better at this than you, and that's why you chose me. You tell yourself that it's very likely this is for the best, and that it's worth it to wait and follow my word and see if I'm right yet again. You step on the inner voice that wants to prove me wrong. After all, my being consistently wrong would feed your ego, but ruin your trust in me as your owner, and it would be all over. If I'm right, you're inconvenienced, but you're safe, because it's reinforcement that I'm worth obeying. That's a better outcome, so it's worth waiting for,
Third, when you've calmed down some, you think about my priorities, and consider this from my angle. After all, you've been observing me too, for months or years. You know me pretty well, and that's why you trust me. You remember how hard I work myself, how upset I get when I can't do my task because you've spaced doing one of yours that interlocked with it. You remember how pleased I am when we run smoothly, like a well-greased team, and everything falls into place. You remember what I look like when I'm pleased with you and with the life we've made together, and you desperately want to see that look on my face again. I know that this point will take a little while for you to come to, and that's all right.
In the meantime, I'm painfully aware that you're angry, and hurt. Don't think it doesn't run through my brain to say never mind, go ahead, it's not such a big deal. Except that it would be. If I did that, then every time that I was thwarted because of your Internet habit from now on would make me feel terribly resentful towards you, and it's not good for an owner to feel resentment towards their slave. That can lead to all kinds of badness. I'd also resent myself for giving in, and I'd feel like I wasn't really in charge … and then we'd end up right back here. Better to do this now. Anyway, I can always change my mind later if it's really proven to me that you need it, or can handle it.
I give you a little time to yourself. Perhaps I give you an order to do something that you actually like, but that is useful to me. Not intimacy, not sex – you're angry, and I want to let you cool down. I'll pick a chore that you find fun, or at least that you're good at, that will reinforce the link between doing what I want and feeling good. Later I check in on you, ask how you're feeling towards me. If you've been having trouble getting through the acceptance process above, I help you with that. We walk through it verbally. I'm supportive of you and give you positive reassurance for getting through it.
The week goes by. I check in with you to see how you're feeling a few days into it. I want to know if you're obsessing over the blogs and posts you're missing; I'm looking for addictive behavior. If I see some, perhaps I start thinking about ways to get you more social contact that work within my schedule and needs. Perhaps I give you more attention. If this is a product of isolation, I want to do something about it. If it's something else – if, for example, I know you're prone to addictive behavior – I discuss that with you, and help you to see what I see. We talk about how you can deal with the Internet in a healthier way.
The week is up, and now you're back on the Net for an hour a day. I watch to make sure your chores keep getting done. I wait a week and check in with you again, see how my decision is affecting you. Is this enough? Are you adjusting to it? Is there anything that can be done to help you with that?
Of course, right now you're probably wondering: under what circumstances would I rescind that order and agree that you really do need four hours of Internet a day? Well, let's say that the problem is isolation. Let's say, further, that I've accepted a job on a tiny station in Greenland and dragged you, my slave, along with me. You don't speak the language, you have no one to talk to but me, and I'm busy most of the day. At that point, I'd have to look at my own choices. I brought you here, and I'm responsible for your mental health. I can't tell you to not need contact, any more than I can order you to flap your wings and fly. My choices are to let you have lots of Internet and put up with fewer chores, to enforce my rule and have you miserable and close to a meltdown, or to move home. I can't have everything, and as a mature human being I need to accept that.
You may not always be aware of what's a need and what's a want, because your wants may feel very much like needs to you. It's my job to figure that out, from observation and experiment and deduction and intuition, and then I enforce it. I'll likely have made errors, especially in the beginning, but I will have made few enough that you trust me and my judgment to be better than yours. I know you better than you know yourself. Simultaneously, I'm constantly working to understand myself fully as well, so that no unconscious resentments or pettinesses well up and sabotage my handling of both our lives. You see that, and you admire it. It's part of why you trust me with this decision-making process, and why you can let go and let me tell you what to do.
-Raven Kaldera
-If you're in charge, it's all on your head. If it's not all on your head, then you're not really in charge.
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