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	SD! : Web boards : Submission : "just someting i wrote" just someting i wrote (5) Mon 6 Oct 08, 4:52 PM 212-050-289 16 mths  i find myself grasping at straws. trying to find myway. reaching in desperation to any man, lifestyler or not, to fullfill m needs. but how can someone do that when i don't even have a clear view of what my needs are. i mean, i have a slight idea, but when i tell someone what i think they are i'm shot down. i'm told that as a slave my needs are what i'm told they are. i say, "i need someone to talk to", what i' told, "you don't need to talk. you need to shut your damn mouth." or i say, "i need to express my feelings", i'm told, "you do't have feeings", and other such things that demand i be less than human and i deserve the worse a man can give me. i question this. just as i question what makes a Master. early this morning i was brought into sexual sub-space through repeated forced orgasm. even when i could hardly get air into my lungs and was coughing he countinued to demand i cum with no consideration for my need to have oxygen. does that make him a true/real Master, an master ass or a Master of sexuality? then there is another so called Dom that i had my first real life play scene with (5 years ago) just walk back into my life. he wishes to do dangerous things to me such as poop in my mouth and force me to eat it. also, he wants me to do things that go against my morals and are illegeal in every state, beastiality. then there are even more that have expressed a desire to have me although not in the same way. Edward(my Owner) and His slave wife offer structure, compassion, direction, understanding, love...ect. jeff (an ex)tells me if i relocate i'm not going anywhere but to him. david i call my daddy because he cares greatly for me and my success. he gets upset with my failures. right now he is ignoring me for mt stubborn pride. there's trevor and trenton, carl an chris, collin and scott. the list of doms in my life goes on and on. i'm stuck ina never ending cycle of self hatered and disrespect of not only my body but my mind. everytime i please some guy sexually i feel worse than i did before. i am told that i am slave meat to be fucked and bred with no regard for myself. if i cry for any reason i am to be beaten till i can't cry. i have been told repeatedly i'm a piss poor excuse for a slave or that i am a perfect nd natural slave, an angel or a queen. i have truble believeing that i am good enough. when someone tells me something good or calls me nice name i wonder what they really want. it's no wonder i'm so confussed. i had someone ask me how long ihad been unowned. i told him, "i have always been unowned. i have had many doms that owned my body but none have owned my mind." -i wrote this a few weeks ago. i have none my currant Owner for about three years. i have pushed Him aside twice when His Ownership was offered. it took me a long while to see that Master Edward is my One. i don't feel forced to do anything. i want to do because it feels right. i feel safe with Him. the walls come down. He knows what i need to hear even if i don't want to listen. i'm so very happy that He has always stood beside me and helped me even when i dismissed Him as nothing. i also always knew that i would be with Him. just my stubborn pride or perhaps fear that stood between us.- 6 Oct 08, 5:11 PM AnonMoos US, 20 mths  maranda wrote: i mean, i have a slight idea, but when i tell someone what i think they are i'm shot down. i'm told that as a slave my needs are what i'm told they are. i say, "i need someone to talk to", what i' told, "you don't need to talk. you need to shut your damn mouth." or i say, "i need to express my feelings", i'm told, "you do't have feeings", and other such things That really doesn't sound healthy to me as the basis of any kind of relationship. Even in the Gor novels, Tarl Cabot pays attention to his slaves' feelings (without always letting himself be directly guided by them in his actions, of course...). maranda wrote: early this morning i was brought into sexual sub-space through repeated forced orgasm. even when i could hardly get air into my lungs and was coughing he countinued to demand i cum with no consideration for my need to have oxygen. does that make him a true/real Master, an master ass or a Master of sexuality? It sounds like a direct copy of a scene from the Marquis de Sade's Justine, but that's really not a book I'd take as the basis for a real-life M/s relationship. Perhaps you should seek some kind of counseling to help you not let yourself be taken advantage of by jerks with little redeeming value... 6 Oct 08, 10:50 PM little_linnet US, 3 yrs  I think you're missing the full context of maranda's post. She finishes by saying she now has a dominant she's happy with, who helped her to resolve these questions. I hope she's right and that she's settled into a relationship that's healthy for her. However, maranda, if you don't mind I wanted to address some of the points you bring up because they're majorly crucial stuff, and the kind of things a lot of new submissives wonder about when they hear about enslavement for the first time. maranda wrote: i say, "i need someone to talk to", what i' told, "you don't need to talk. you need to shut your damn mouth." or i say, "i need to express my feelings", i'm told, "you do't have feeings" This doesn't sound consistent with enslavement as we discuss it here. Now, I'll be the first to say that my owner has said things like this to me, in isolated incidents. Rarely (read: maybe once) because he's pissed, a few other times because he knows the erotic effect that hearing it can have on me. But do you feel that when someone says these things it reflects his true priorities? For example if Mr L said them to me, I'd know that maybe he was feeling that way in the short term because he was venting or because he enjoys asserting his ability to shut me up and treat me in ways he couldn't treat a vanilla partner. But I would also know that in the longterm, his priorities are the opposite of those things, that he does put weight on me talking and being open about what I'm feeling. He may not want me to do it *right then* but making me do it is part of his overall plan. So is this what you feel like a dominant thinks when he says these things? Or do you feel like what he really wants, in the longterm, is someone/something he can actually believe has no need to communicate or any feelings he doesn't find convenient? Because that is, excuse my french, delusional thinking. i'm told that as a slave my needs are what i'm told they are. Again, if someone really honestly believes this, he's just not operating in the real world. Wants can certainly be denied. Needs can even be changed and shaped over time, sometimes, if they're incompatible with what a dominant wants. But they just don't vanish. Human beings don't work that way, and you are a human being -- and controlling you is dependent on recognizing that and understanding how human beings tick. early this morning i was brought into sexual sub-space through repeated forced orgasm. even when i could hardly get air into my lungs and was coughing he countinued to demand i cum with no consideration for my need to have oxygen. does that make him a true/real Master, an master ass or a Master of sexuality? I'm not making any judgments about this one. It could mean he's a sadist. It could mean he really doesn't give a shit about your safety. It's the last kind of thing I would judge a dominant's ethics or wisdom on, as is any kind of play really. It sounds like you've been running around doing sexual and SM stuff with a *lot* of self-described dominants. I have nothing against this if it's what floats your kinky little boat, but I really have to point out that it's seriously not a good plan if what you're looking for is longterm power exchange or enslavement. It would be kind of like, I don't know, me hopping from Burger King job to McDonald's job to Wendy's job wondering why the heck my career as a doctor or lawyer wasn't getting off the ground. It's just not a track that even *goes* to that place. Krista The thing you have to remember about girls is that the hyperfluid bearings under the camshafts can be miscalibrated along either axis, so regular maintanence is required to keep resonance in the titanium casing from causing abrasions against the primary sprocket joists. Edited 6 Oct 08, 10:51 PM by little_linnet 7 Oct 08, 8:13 PM 662-935-655 US, 2 yrs  just a thought, but at least for F/folk you meet here, each O/one's profile has a checklist of things T/they are into and are looking for S/someone else who is also interested in such activities. i'd make sure yours are clear and i'c look up what A/anyone else has listed and i'd hold T/them to what T/they said in any "play" that is still consensual Dom/sub "play" - and before collaring or commitment to not have the right to consent i'd make damned good and sure i took it slowly, found out what they are into, let T/them earn my trust, have safe-words and demand these be used with Any Top/Dom that you don't yet know well. i'd also meet to play in a public dungeon, bringing each Y/your own transportation, etc. AND i would take even that very very very s l o w l y. Unless you are owned by a Dom and that One has become your Owner, you have a lot of choices, time to explore, etc. i'd use that before getting into a place where all you can do is beg for release or take it - that's for sure! it doesn't sound like these guys are truly Doms - more predators, but i only have your side of the story. If you just jump into a situation with Someone, it's not surprising if They make assumptions and you end up getting your pretty little self in MUCHO problemas - much trouble! just my thoughts but i hear stuff like this so often on here - some sub/slave/bottom jumps into a play session or a life-time commitment and then gets in trouble that it is very hard to get out of. As in vanilla relationships and moreso i'd say the standard is "look before you leap" m'lady, gal-pal and fellow sub (GRIN) really truly it should be a case of the tortoise and the hare - as in Aesop's fables, as in slow and steady wins the race. seriously! i mean it! j/L Papa's owned always: still proudly wearing His Collar and Ring, rest in peace Beloved Master/Husband! "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" Janis Joplin 10 Oct 08, 2:20 AM 212-050-289 16 mths  the last two post have given me things to think about. i've been in this lifestyle for only five years. i know i still have tons to learn, not just about this type of living but about myself. i'm 30 years old and have such deep and lasting wounds that would have killed "lesser" (for lack of better word-sorry) folks. a lot of people see me as a solid an unbreakable rock. it's hard to life up to this type of reputation. my poor mom, she feels so bad for me because things just never work out for me. just as things seem to be going well, it stops for any number of reasons and i get burned. just an example of how my exsistance runs: saturday i found out i was pregnant again. my fourth time in that rodeo . you see, i have had one miscarriage and two live births. those two were removed and later adopted. so, this fourth one was a mixed bag. i was very happy yet very upset. i was given a second chance. but of course fate had to kick me in the teeth, again. i was 14 weeks along with a little boy. his heart stopped sometime after i had left school on tuesday. this is always how things go for me. i guess that is one of the misguided reasons, amoungst many, as to why i found this type of living appealing. someone would come in and fix it. everything would better. i know that was nor is a good reason, but it worked for me, kinda. i have discovered that i did not choose to be a slave, slavery choose me. i'm perfectly happy with that. 11 Oct 08, 6:40 PM little_linnet US, 3 yrs  First of all, I'm terribly sorry for your loss. But. Five years. FIVE years! Honey, that's not a newbie anymore. I'm not sure what's going on with you that you don't seem to have learnt anything from your experiences in those five years, but either you are looking for something vastly different from what we discuss here or you really need to take a deep whiff of the coffee if you want to find a stable, healthy power exchange relationship. Please, you really really need to understand that you haven't experienced "slavery" at all, not the way we use the word here. What you have experienced is a string of short-term (and apparently poorly thought out) kinky relationships with next to no relation to real life power exchange. Krista Also, there's the Batman guide to retribution. Batman would have hung this guy from a building and dropped him repeatedly, catching him each time before he hit, just to drive the point home. So when it comes to vigilante justice, let the Batman be your guide. Edited 11 Oct 08, 6:42 PM by little_linnet