Can your business help Seek Discipline?    [other banners]

	SD! : Web boards : Discipline : "do you think i shouldbe forgiven?" 1 2 do you think i shouldbe forgiven? (15) Fri 10 Oct 08, 2:35 AM 212-050-289 16 mths  here's what wrote to Master and Mel this morning 10-10-08 dearest family, i regret to in form you that i has not slept. something came up that required my attention. the events leading up to what happened were, sadly, again my fault. you see, i had again felt abandoned my the two of you. so, i thought that i would be able to detach myself once and for all. but of course this will never happen and i again realized something that i had known all these years yet did not admitt to myself. i have been captured by you, imprison by your love, enslaved by you acceptance. i humbly request that you keep the above facts in mind as you read the rest of this letter. please read the whole thing before making any rash judgements against me. and here we go with the expaination of what hes been going on these past five days: on saturday when i revealed that i was infact pregnant i was ashamed and i just knew that i had let my family down. then while talking to Sir i felt a deep saddness, i just knew that was going to be the end of it. i could hear the well diguised disappointment in His voice. i knew He was upset because not once did i hear it was going to be okay. i know that the home you have built is not the best place to raise a child. this was made perfectly clear more than once. so even though Mel told me that Sir did not say anything bad about this, i believed that i had been shunned and cast out. i began speaking with a Dom that i had met in august. He was one of the few that filled out the application that i had placed on fling.com. we lost touch for a short time. He just happened to call saturday evening. we spent many long hours on the phone that night. we have had some of the best conversation i've had in a very long time. He almost convinced me that you were not what i sot. i fed into and of Him. i must shamefully admitt that yes, i told Him He was my rightful owner. the more we talked (15+ hours a day) the more i believed that i was not fit to be of service to you. while i was speaking with Mel, i figured out that now is the time to stop fighting you. i told the other dom that i wanted to be with you. after many things were trowen at me to discredit Sir, i with the dom's help discovered why i cannot stay away from my true owners and only family. i look to you as my mom and dad. i never had much of a parent/child thing with them. also by the end of our all morning ordeal i found out that i am seeking a full family, mom, dad, brother, sisters, boyfriend. He said that He had judged wrong and perhaps i had found my match. He said that He was sorry He had interfeared. He and i both fully understand if i am forbidden from talking to Him. i'm not sure if this was writen the right way or if i failed in that as well. respectfully Your's,maranda this was my third such attempt. what am hopeing they see was not just another screw up, but that this was a very small step in the right direction. that 1) i did not get cutesie and try to candy coator talk my way out of it 2) i saw what was happening and put a stop to it. what do you think? should i be forgiven or dismissed? 10 Oct 08, 5:32 AM Morniel US, 6 mths  Well, well. First of all, unplanned pregnancies do happen. That's the way the world goes sometimes. Second, there are hormonal changes associated with pregnancy which literally make it impossible to control ourselves, no matter how much we may wish to do so, and some of those changes involve emotions. That may also explain the feelings you had when you were on the phone with your friend, the other "dom". Third, it's a shame that anyone would feel that a child, a new life, is unwelcome, but again, that's the way the world goes sometimes. Fourth, if your post was a literal copy of what you wrote to your partners.... You need to use a spell checker of some sort, and perhaps learn the rules of grammar and language. Your writing was very hard to read, and I'm sure some of what you were trying to convey was lost by the way it was written. Clear communication is ALWAYS extremely important. Fifth... or whatever we've got up to now... Forgive you? for what? Being pregnant? Messing up or not following orders, because of the emotional impact of discovering you were pregnant? I would hope that any truly caring partners would do so... and NOT dismiss you or release you or divorce you at this time when you are very vulnerable physically, emotionally, and economically. Let's face it, it is not easy to raise a child, and it is much harder to do it alone. I can't speak for your partners, but only from my own perspective, obviously. If dumping you (or insisting you end your pregnancy when you don't want to do that, or something) is their solution, or even something they breifly considered? Damn good thing you found out NOW, before the child is born and you and the child are subjected to such uncaring treatment. If all this "forgiven or dumped" stuff is about your day-long conversation with the other "dom", then again, all I can say is, some of what you thought and felt was influenced by your body's changes, and your very real need to be comforted. If your partners can't see that, or make allowance for it, then it's possible that there is no way you can explain it to them anyway, and perhaps they'd do better to talk with an obstetrician, who can set them straight on the many, many things that change during pregnancy. Just my thoughts. Good luck, Maranda. Morniel's Special Place 10 Oct 08, 12:57 PM JRCs_petk HK, 13 mths  I'm not sure that we as outsiders can possibly speculate on such a situation? Maranda, you need to be speaking directly with your partners, not the general public. I'd also recommend speaking with a close friend, family member or counselor if you are not receiving valuable advice from your partners. We are more likely to confuse you rather than anything else. What you are experiencing is serious and REAL, please, seek the help that you need. 10 Oct 08, 2:11 PM 000-874-172 UK, 5 yrs  I'm with Morniel in that the only thing I found unforgivable was the wall of text - I have eye problems and found it hard to read. Other than that, I'm with kim in that this is a private problem that really isn't for a forum; it seems that you're looking for some kind of external validation for something you really need to sort out amongst yourselves. Good luck with that Lovingly Owned by ~Miss Phay~ 10 Oct 08, 3:07 PM 212-050-289 16 mths  sorry, i c&ped the email i'll repost it here so, ya'll can better see it the way i had wrote it. dearest family, i regret to in form you that i has not slept. something came up that required my attention. the events leading up to what happened were, sadly, again my fault. you see, i had again felt abandoned my the two of you. so, i thought that i would be able to detach myself once and for all. but of course this will never happen and i again realized something that i had known all these years yet did not admitt to myself. i have been captured by you, imprison by your love, enslaved by you acceptance. i humbly request that you keep the above facts in mind as you read the rest of this letter. please read the whole thing before making any rash judgements against me. and here we go with the expaination of what hes been going on these past five days: on saturday when i revealed that i was infact pregnant i was ashamed and i just knew that i had let my family down. then while talking to Sir i felt a deep saddness, i just knew that was going to be the end of it. i could hear the well diguised disappointment in His voice. i knew He was upset because not once did i hear it was going to be okay. i know that the home you have built is not the best place to raise a child. this was made perfectly clear more than once. so even though Mel told me that Sir did not say anything bad about this, i believed that i had been shunned and cast out. i began speaking with a Dom that i had met in august. He was one of the few that filled out the application that i had placed on fling.com. we lost touch for a short time. He just happened to call saturday evening. we spent many long hours on the phone that night. we have had some of the best conversation i've had in a very long time. He almost convinced me that you were not what i sot. i fed into and of Him. i must shamefully admitt that yes, i told Him He was my rightful owner. the more we talked (15+ hours a day) the more i believed that i was not fit to be of service to you. while i was speaking with Mel, i figured out that now is the time to stop fighting you. i told the other dom that i wanted to be with you. after many things were trowen at me to discredit Sir. i, with the dom's, help discovered why i cannot stay away from my true owners and only family. i look to you as my mom and dad. i never had much of a parent/child thing with them. also by the end of our all morning ordeal i found out that i am seeking a full family, mom, dad, brother, sisters, boyfriend. He said that He had judged wrong and perhaps i had found my match. He said that He was sorry He had interfeared. He and i both fully understand if i am forbidden from talking to Him. i'm not sure if this was writen the right way or if i failed in that as well. respectfully Your's,maranda you see many things have happened since i told them i was pregnant. such as the fact that i no longer am. and yes, they know this. in fact, when i told them, Master was very kind and Melody was just as shocked as i was. i named him alexander. obtw, i spoke with Melody and they were highly impressed that i came straight out and did not try to candy coat. they did see this as a step in the right direction. right now i have to wait untill He contacts me before i might speak to Him. they are calling it learning self control. i say it's not fair*grins*. She thought it was funny. they love me cause i got spunkatude. others hate me cause i'm bratty. all in the eye of the beholder right? ahh well, see ya'll later. ps. i thought my grammer was okay...hmmmm 10 Oct 08, 6:48 PM Master_Al US(SC), 3 mths  Not trying to be a dick here, but your grammar is not ok. It would be easier for people to respond to you and give advice if you worked on that. Remember, your writing is a representation of you when you are not there to represent yourself. 10 Oct 08, 7:29 PM little_linnet US, 3 yrs  "Released" is a misnomer since you are not enslaved in the sense that we use the word on these boards. Can your dominant(s) choose to dump you because you're having emotional struggles with unexpected developments in your life? Well, yes, but generally speaking that makes someone what we call a "jerk". Can they choose to end the relationship over your contacting someone else and telling him he owned you instead of them? This might be slightly more understandable but being that they were playing little kindergarten ignoring games with you at the time, it still wouldn't make them look real stellar. I think the bigger question here is, should you be hanging around with people you need to beg forgiveness for having emotions and difficulties in your life? And question 2 would be, is it a good plan to try to be owned at all when you're so confused you can contact someone you hardly know and inform him that he's your "rightful owner"? Krista Also, there's the Batman guide to retribution. Batman would have hung this guy from a building and dropped him repeatedly, catching him each time before he hit, just to drive the point home. So when it comes to vigilante justice, let the Batman be your guide. Edited 10 Oct 08, 7:32 PM by little_linnet 11 Oct 08, 3:36 AM 212-050-289 16 mths  I will try to answer all of your questions just as soon as I calm down from all of the put downs against my post. 11 Oct 08, 9:37 AM 000-874-172 UK, 5 yrs  The thing is, maranda, when you post a thread on such a personal issue, you shouldn't take any replies quite so personally. Any input here is objective, and as such, perhaps if you could try being the same to your own situation, the answer will become clearer. Lovingly Owned by ~Miss Phay~ 11 Oct 08, 12:33 PM property_of_MacCain US(PA), 9 mths  maranda wrote: I will try to answer all of your questions just as soon as I calm down from all of the put downs against my post. maranda, Please understand i'm not trying to pick on you, but you come to this board filled with people who are mainly in real life relationships... you would have probably received much different answers from a LD board. i'm not suggesting that you are not welcome here, but our perceptions on relationships are different. Not knowing enough about your situation to comment, i took the liberty of reading other posts you've made. i went back as far as July... and i think i've seen quite enough. You have quite a history in that short time frame of popping from one on-line master to the next... you say you are collared since Sept.9th, but on a post dated Sept. 6th you were talking about trying to decide which of your online acquaintances you had interest in. You have received great advice all along trying to explain to you that you need to know what you want PRIOR to jumping into any relationship. Not to mention that anytime your not chatting with your current master your still checking the waters and talking to other "masters". You are a online wanker's dream come true. As long as they are chatting they have your complete attention but when they get bored... off you go. What a great arrangement for them! If you want that cycle to stop, YOU need to stop it. You have said in one of your posts that bad things keep happening to you... can you look back objectively and see how it might have something to do with your actions? Pregnancy is a serious thing...babies ARE wonderful. But do you think you are really ready for that sort of responsibility when you can't stay in a relationship for longer than a few weeks? Christ child, your thirty! Do you really think this is the way adults behave? i am sorry for your loss, but thank goodness you didn't bring a child into this mess. As little_linnet said, you are using "released" in a very different way than we refer to it here. Collared is a commitment. i'm not sure you quite get that. When your owned you shouldn't be looking for the next best thing. You are definitely not enslaved if you are still looking. You might try reading http://www.enslavement.org.uk/ ... so that you can see what we are talking about. If you don't want advice from real stable people... in real working dynamics... maybe you shouldn't ask where real stable people post. If you want to continue living in a cyber-fantasy world-- by all means have at it. If you want to learn something and start making better decisions to get your life pointed in this direction, your more than welcome here. From what i see it doesn't look like you have what it takes to settle down. Please prove me wrong. p I breathe because He allows me to, indulging Him indulges me. Edited 11 Oct 08, 12:42 PM by property_of_MacCain 11 Oct 08, 8:16 PM 662-935-655 US, 2 yrs  i'm wondering if "Maranda" (OP) perhaps speaks English as a 2d language and that is part of the problem here? Perhaps she'd be better off writing this off line in her own language and applying a translator program to it? Just a thought. Being hugely visually challenged and adding a touch of dyslexia, i too found it hard to understand But if, Maranda, you are in point of fact jumping from one LD relationship to another, i agree that you are bringing a lot of your problems on yourself and you do need to get out of it or accept that it makes you a target for being hurt badly. Especially if, in point of fact, you have been jumping from one "dom" to another in this way. in my 2d vanilla marriage, i had put my kids into foster care to protect them from an abusive first ex - of 3- that had been the source of my legal (not total) blindness. This occured when He had freaked out (first) and beat me up trying to kill me and them as he was hallucinating that the devil was coming to get all of us. AT THAT TIME, a few decades back, in my state if i had just divorced the guy, he would still have had UNSUPERVISED visiting rights - with the "help" of a DYS social workef, who didn't tell me i had the right to an attorney or to fight this, a very young girl - me - gave up her kids for adoption to keep them away from their violent dad and to try to get my own head on straight, starting with getting sober and clean in Alcoholics Anonymous and ending with finally getting proper treatment for Bipolar, that as recent as 2003. Now the point is that i was dating my 2d ex at the time and that he told me that due to a career he was trying to get into he didn't want kids and that i should put the boys up for adoption as the Social Worker wanted me to. he understood that my tubes were tied and laser cauterized and that it would cost a bundle to have them untied, which was an optional surgery not covered then - or now as far as i know - by any health insurance in this country. the social worker had said if he was willing to marry me and adopt the kids, with his mom also taking some accountability - that i could have kept them - but he insisted it was for the best i give them up. he had had his chance, knowing that i couldn't have more kids and never even told his mom who had a total fit when she found out as all she wanted was grandkids. but when he totally tanked - cratered, bottomed out, messed up - his would-be original career, he wanted kids and i was supposed to lose weight to have surgery we couldn't afford to have kids for the man who had rejected that. Well i didn't. And i thank G. i had the sense to hold out and say no to a man this one time because when i "relapsed" (screwed the pooch, messed up) in AA with him - he was also in it - and then we divorced i realized i was glad i didn't put my boys from the 1st ex through another bout with active alcoholic parents and losing another father. i since learned from a source who lived near the folks who ended up adopting my boys that they were adopted together by a dentist and his wife, had a wonderful loving and materially comfortable family. i started to forgive myself when i realized the 2d marriage was over, but got to really forgiving myself just a few years back when i knew what happened to my babies. Karma is a bitch, one "reaps" what one "sows", and payback really rots - my 2d ex ended up visually impaired and legally blind like me after years of saying i was lazy and faking it. he has also been remarried some time now and i recentally found out that, oddly enough, he still doesn't have kids. there is some justice. My point to you Maranda is that you can't have your cake and eat it too. if you want to have a child, you need a real-time stable relationship or at least to be a reliable single mom, which is a killer job and a half. For one thing, you have choices - i'm glad i gave my kids up for adoption, but nowadays you can have an "open adoption" in most places and continue to get some news about your child through regular legal channels, not by chance as i did. One can have an abortion. But one MUST grow up and face the music and be accountable. one must make a decision and stick with it - you may have the right to gamble with your own life, but you do not have the right to gamble with an innocent non-consenting little baby's life. i don't like growing up and acting maturely, but when it came to my kids, i sure had to. When it came to my late Master's kids from HIS prior marriages wanting to come to His funeral, i had to grow up and think of someone besides myself - letting them come and maybe get some closure. Personally, i'd have loved to stay in age-play and be Papa's little girl forever, but that's not what fate had in mind for me. i'm not telling you what to do or how to do it for yourself but i do think that before one considers bringing a child into this world, one must be able to provide it with a safe, stable and secure place in life or give it to those who will. And heaven knows in the U.S. couples and others are begging to adopt - maybe even within the life-style - or you have other options. But if you are, as S/someone here has suggested, jumping from one LD relationship to another, then there are consequences - esp. if one chooses or one's "Master" (?) chooses not to use birth control of some type. sometimes on here i just want to yell out THIS IS NOT A GAME! My late Master - 4th Husband but only real one in that He was serious about it and worked at it with me - used to say commitment is more important in this lifestyle in real-time and real-world than love and i didn't understand it at first. But since i have found it is true. Lust and romantic/erotic love come and go as feelings do. But commitment is an intellectual decision to stick with something even when the feelings ebb and flow, up and down, etc. And if you continue to allow yourself to be used as S/someone E/else put it so that your "Master" or "Doms" use you as wank material - to get off on - without any responsibility in these off and on LD relationships than you have to realize that there are consequences and you have to grow up enough to deal with those and face the music. And please, hear me, don't put an innocent child in the midst of this or use getting pregnant as being a way to "capture" a "Master" or "Dom" to take care of you in real time. NOBODY has he right to play with kids lives like this. and in virtually every civilized country you could easily have the kid taken away from you and lose all the "Owners" or "Doms" involved in both LD and real-time because Nobody will let Themselves be manipulated in this way if They are truly dominant. S/someone E/else on here also mentioned that you are in your thirties - for G-d's sake gal, i was 24 when i has to take responsibility for having brought 2 lives into the world that i couldn't take care of. Now i don't know if all these "facts" are true but i tend to believe what O/others are saying here because T/they are F/folks who i've discussed all kinds of ideas on here who seem to have a great deal of integrity - so i am basing my response on the assumption T/they know what T/they are talking about. There is an old saying that seems to apply here "Piss or get off the pot" i'm sorry if i'm being tactless and blunt here - i don't want to hurt your feelings and i'm sure i have. But i get pretty upset when innocent kids are involveda and F/folks don't step up and own up to do the right thing - even if it means letting the child go in one way or another. this is long-winded because i wanted you to know that i've been in a place where i had to make some hard decisions for my kids and their future - as you seem to need to be doing yourself now. j/L Papa's owned always: still proudly wearing His Collar and Ring, rest in peace Beloved Master/Husband! "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" Janis Joplin Next page